Why Do I Cut?

Part 8

I just had one of the scariest experiences of my life.  I was showering and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach, my left arm felt numb and tingly and my whole left side started really hurting.  I of course panicked and got out as fast as I could.  My first reaction being ‘oh crap I’m having a heart attack’!!  Now that I am dressed and in bed I’m starting to feel better.  That was by far the worst panic attack I have had yet.  I got myself so worked up thinking about my life that I literally felt as if I were going to die. 

I’m not sure if I have ever gotten into this much but the thought that started all of this tonight was thinking about how I feel abandoned by God.  I believe in God and I have all of my life.  I have even felt that at times He was there for me.  But in the last four years I have felt so alone.  Not one prayer has been answered, not one feeling of love or help or peace has come my way.  It hurts to know that He would allow me to suffer this much.  That one person would be allowed to go through this much pain.  And it makes me angry and bitter.  This in turn just fuels my depression.

I am turning into this shell of a person and I hate it.  I miss the old me, the one that had happy days.  The one that had her husband home every night and the worst thing to worry about was what to have for dinner.  I miss having someone to talk to about anything and everything.  I feel now that if I tell others how I’m feeling all I’m doing is burdening them.  Everyone has their own problems; I’m not going to add to them by sharing mine.  I used to tell my sister everything.  She and I had been best friends all of our lives.  But the last year or so we have both just had our own families and problems to deal with.  She has put a block up where I am concerned and it hurts.  She now just uses me for her babysitter or her errand person.  She doesn’t even ask just expects it.  She has no idea that I cut myself and even though I have tried to open up about it to her and hint around about it she has told me that she doesn’t want to know.  Talk about a slap in the face.  Writing it down and putting it here on Wattpad is the only way I “share”.  It’s safe here because no one knows me personally and I can be myself and not have to worry about how I’ll be treated differently.   

 So here I am again…the only thing I can do is to grab my blade.  I hate that I do this, but I feel it calling me and telling me that it’s the only thing that will help.  It will take the pain away for now.  It will help me forget just how worthless I am.  It will help me forget the guilt that just eats me up day after day.   It has me.  It has become this addiction that for some reason is the only thing that helps.  I know that I sound so crazy.  I feel crazy!  My word I have truly lost myself.  I am now controlled by anger, hurt and these damn anxiety attacks.   Even now as I write this down, my breathing is becoming harder.  I can’t get enough air and I can feel the anxiety coming back.  If I don’t stop writing and pick up the blade it will only get worse. 

I need a new blade.  I had to go over and over it again before it would cut deep enough for me to bleed.  I think I may need to find a different place to cut.  My scar is so thick from using the same place for so long that it gets harder and harder to cut each time.  I don’t really want any more scars.  I already have the L shaped one on my foot and the one on my wrist.  I don’t know where I dare cut next.  I need to able to see it during the day.  It calms me down when I can’t cut to just see the scar and I have this habit of running my finger over the scar when I get nervous.  Maybe I’ll just cut below the other one on my wrist.

I just noticed that it is starting to close and not bleed so I’m going to have to go over it again, I can tell it’s not going to leave a good enough scar.  I just want to scream!!  What a freak I am turning into. The tears are just falling down my face and I am so lost.  I’m an adult, a mother, a wife…how did I get here?  Where in the world do I go now?