Their Souls Entwined

The Different Forms of Love

"Why can't she love me? My sister would rather bleed than be near me. Am I that much of a monster in her eyes? I'm doing this for us, why can't she see that? Ever since her escape, my twinning rune has felt like fire under my skin, it prickles and I know she feels it too. She wants to see me again; she just doesn't know she wants it. Don't worry little sister I'm coming. I'm coming for you". Clary had been sitting on the floor, crying silently; she had refused to read another page and asked Jace if he could read it for her; he had wrapped his body around hers as he read the pages, resting his chin on her head. His eyes fell upon a particular entry and his whole body tensed. Clary wiped her tears and tilted her head to look up at him, "What does it say?" Her voice barely a whisper. This was the first entry that had been titled, "Our Ice Rink Encounter." Jace's mind drifted back to that day; it had been the perfect morning, he had woken up beside Clary for the first time and he had never been happier. He had planned for them to go ice skating because he had seen a picture of her mom and her skating. Whilst on the date he had been ambushed by Jonathan and knocked out. When he came to, Clary was gone. Jonathan had glamoured himself to look like Jace and had tried to lure her to his apartment. Jace had later found out that Jonathan had kissed her, whilst posed as him, and he had felt a rage burn inside him that he had never felt before. White-hot anger that seared through his body. How dare he deceive her like that. How could I have let this happen? He had also never felt more helpless; he wanted to comfort Clary, he wanted to hold her and tell her that he would never let this happen again but it was a little hard to do that when your face was a constant reminder of what had just happened. He scanned the page before him and that searing rage returned, "She paused. She could have turned me in, but she didn't. I knew she still wanted to be with me, this proves that. It was so nice to be close to her again even if she didn't know it was me. I think the kiss gave it away, she looked up at me with those big green eyes and I just couldn't hold back anymore. I only want the best for her, and when I finally have her back, I will give her everything she deserves." Jace darted up and ran to a window, throwing his head over the edge and vomiting. He couldn't believe what he had just read. Clary had once told him that Jonathan couldn't distinguish between different forms of love, there had been a hint of sympathy for him back then when Jace remembered how Jonathan had been raised, but after reading what Jonathan wrote, he would only ever feel anger towards him now. 

Clary had come up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder, he turned around, wiping away the tears that were running down his cheeks. "It's nothing, I'm fine. I'll be right back," he said. After Jace had dropped the diary and left, she had read the entry. She knew Jace and she knew that he would feel guilty about what had happened. "Hey, talk to me," she said quietly. He fell to his knees at that moment, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Clary." He was looking down at the floor as he choked the words out. He was ashamed; he had let her down, the person he loved most in the world. Clary dropped to his level, took his face in her hands and whispered, "Jace, look at me." He slowly raised his head and his eyes met hers, Clary felt a tightening in her chest when she saw the pain reflected in them. Her voice shook as she spoke, "What Jonathan did was terrible, but you got me back. You always get me back. I was never angry with you because it wasn't your fault, Jace. It wasn't your fault." For so long he had been the boy who never cried again after the death of his falcon. He had been someone who never let anyone get close to him, close enough to hurt him. And then he met Clary, she loved him more than he thought he deserved to be loved and she could look at him and see a good man, not a broken one. She was the one who had taught him that love made you stronger, not weaker, and she saved him in every way he could be saved. He didn't about care what happened to him, he cared about what happened to her and it was excruciating to see her get hurt. He drew her against him, cleared his throat and spoke in a steady voice, "I once told you that we were going to make this right. I swore on us; I'm not going to rest until this is over, Clary. Not until you and I can live and love in peace."

They had decided to take the diary back to the institute and finish it there. They headed to the library to find Izzy and Simon; upon walking in they found stacks of ancient-looking books scattered around the room and Izzy and Simon on the floor, kissing intensely. Clary grabbed Jace's arm to steer him out of the room, but he had already seen them and was scowling. "Um...hi," said Clary awkwardly. Simon jumped up like a cat, but Izzy raised herself with a queen-like grace, "Hi guys," she smiled innocently. Jace gestured toward them and spoke with his signature sarcastic tone, "Don't mind us. Please continue, it's not like we're in a public place or anything." Izzy rolled her eyes before responding, "And the infirmary is not a public place?" Jace's scowl didn't shift, Clary laughed and tried to divert the conversation, "So, did you guys find anything?" "Apart from each other's mouths," muttered Jace. Simon smiled sarcastically at Jace, before turning to Clary, "Sorry Fray, but there is nothing in these books that mentions the shadow demon that attacked us, what about you guys?" Clary explained how they had found a diary, but left out the details of what was written inside it. Alec and Magnus had not yet returned from Idris, and Izzy and Simon had said they would wait for them to get back; Jace and Clary headed to their room. Both Simon and Izzy understood that the two of them would probably want some space to finish the diary and they didn't question its contents or ask to read it. 

***

Clary was sitting in Jace's arms, she had her back to him and he was resting his head on her shoulder. Now and then, as she read the diary, her body would tense and he would lightly kiss her on the cheek or nestle his head in the crook of her neck to comfort her. They had reached the last entry now; she turned her head to look at him and slipped her free hand into his. "I don't know if I can do this, Jace," she said, trying hard to hold back her tears. He gently squeezed her hand and brought it to his lips, "Of course you can; just don't let go of me." She gave him a tiny smile before turning back to the page. "I thought being severed from my sister would weaken me, but I was wrong. It has given me power far beyond that of the Nephilim. I can feel it coursing through my body, my blood. The Seelie Queen has told me I am to transform but that it will make me vulnerable; she has offered me protection and shelter in her court, I haven't decided whether or not to take it yet. One thing I know for certain is that I am the last remaining Morgenstern. My sister is dead to me and now nothing will stop me from raising hell." Clary set the book on the bedside table and when she turned back to Jace, he saw she had gone pale. Jace gave her a gentle nudge, "Hey, talk to me," he said. "I was dead to him. I was his sister and I was dead him, Jace. He thought I had abandoned him." He cupped her face in his hands, "You didn't abandon him, Clary. You loved him regardless of what he did, you always believed that he could be saved even when no one else thought he could. You couldn't have done anything else for him, I promise you." He kissed her forehead and she smiled gratefully at him. There was a knock at the door, it opened revealing a grim-looking Alec, "There has been another attack," he said, he and Magnus must have just returned for his hair was a little ruffled, "This time in Idris and a Shadowhunter is dead."