faking it | rini

thirty-four

"So what do you wanna do for our last date?" Ricky asked enthusiastically, his head fully turning towards Nini as it really shouldn't considering they were on the road.

"I don't know."

These past few weeks had been a constant rollercoaster of emotions for Nini. She felt elated whenever they talked, her heart warming at his very sight, a dumb grin sneaking its way on her face at anything he said. Ricky Bowen was the most beautiful man inside and out and she loved him so much.

Then, she remembered that he did not feel the same, and she would get so sad, so lonely, so miserable. She would get home and fall on her bed and cry for hours, writing out her feelings on her note's app in lieu of having any friend to talk to. She wished she could say no to Ricky and his boyish smiles. She wished she could push him away and burn all her feelings down. But then, again, she really didn't wish that at all.

And when things got too loud in her head, when she felt joyful and sorrowful all at the same time, Ricky came to confuse things even more with a particularly intense stare and a teasing smile and a flirty comment and a faint caress and all her insides would melt with hope and she'd have to spend the entire night crushing down beneath her heel each butterfly storming her stomach.

Today was a particularly sad day. Their break up was right around the corner, only a few weeks of social media silence left before biting the bullet and announcing to the world things were simply not working out. Today was their very last date, before Nini had to lose Ricky forever. She already missed him and he was right beside her.

"Really? You have no idea? You've been tugging me along to everywhere you wanna go but now you don't know?"

"We can just drive around." It was a terrible fake date idea. No one would see them in their cars and what was the point of being there without any grand public.

Still, Ricky said, "Sure."

They drove, talking lowly, barely above a whisper. There was some indie mellow music playing from his speakers and the road was speeding beside her window and everything was a little right. Nini wanted to stay here forever, in the front seat of his car, like they were the only people on Earth, like the universe had been solely created for them, for this moment right there.

"I'm gonna miss this," Ricky said softly, his fingers drumming on the steering wheel.

"Yeah?" Nini was gonna miss this too. She was gonna miss seeing him everyday, miss holding his hand in public, miss closing her eyes and pretending she really was with Ricky. She knew that was not what he would miss. "What are you gonna miss most?"

"Just being with you." Nini really wished he would stop saying things like that and not expect her insides to melt and her heart to pinch.

She opted for a cheeky reply. "And to think you spent four months of just being afraid of fake dating. Look at you now."

"Character development." Ricky took a break, staring at the road like he had never done during their ride, looking almost serious and tense. "What are you gonna miss the most?" His words felt deliberate.

Nini started panicking and there were words that were never meant to leave the safe haven of her brain rushing to come out. She had to carefully calm her breathing, using her years as a professional actress to say, "I think the routine. I got used to how things were."

And it was true. Everything was changing and nothing was the same. How would their friendship be now that they weren't supposed to hang out all the time? How would they interact? Would he drive her everywhere? Would it be okay for her to ask to see him? Would they even be allowed to? Nini felt like the world was off its axis, just barely, like it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things but she still felt the undeniable shift in the world.

"I'm still gonna be your friend, you know. No matter what happens or the fake breakup, I'm always gonna be your friend." Why wouldn't he stop calling her friend?

But then, again, it was still reassuring. That she wouldn't lose him. That he wasn't here with her, in this car, because of a contract. That he liked that he was here with her. That he liked her and her company, even if it was just as a friend. Nini thought, maybe, one day, she would be okay with that. Maybe she would even feel the same way in a distant and unthinkable future. She couldn't imagine it. The simple idea of not liking Ricky was unfathomable. Still, she kind of wished it would come true. Just for the sake of her heart.

"I'm always gonna be your friend too."

He turned his head towards her and gave her the warmest smile. "I'm glad. I'd miss you if you were gone, Nini." It felt like poetry to her ears and she smiled back.

"I miss you even when you're not, Ricky."

It was true. Here, in the front seat of his car, listening to music and watching the road fly by her, smiles on their lips and the word friends on his tongue, Nini already missed him.