A Round Trip to Love 2: Separate Routes

Chapter Nine

Mom tried to chase us all out the moment she woke up, she was a total mess, her mood unstable, her speech completely incoherent, hysterically crying and scolding.

What made me sadder was seeing how she kept scolding Yi Chen, intentionally ignoring me from start to finish, not even looking at me once, as if to tell me she no longer sees me as her son.

I know I have disappointed her, I have broken her heart through and through, so now I have lost the privilege of even being the target of her lectures.

I did not return home with them, instead I went walking around the block in a daze outside the hospital, and returned back to the hospital ward.

"Ma ......" I pushed the door open lightly, there is a dead silence in the room, mom is lying on the bed, her eyes half closed, there were not much response from her on seeing me enter the room, it seemed her energy have dissipated along with her anger.

"Ma."

Why aren't you speaking to me, you clearly loved me the most when I was a child, in my third year of high school you would call me behind Father's back, you would also call my brother to check on me; whether I have enough money to spend, whether I have gained or lost weight, whether I am getting bullied in the new school ......... even if you don't say it loud, I know you have always worried and cared for me; the new sweater you are knitting right now is meant for me, isn't it?

She gasped heavily, it sounded like there were some obstructions in her trachea, a deep grunting sound made with great effort.

Just hearing her labored breathing makes me want to cry.

"Ma ......"

"You don't have to call me, since from young until now, you have never regarded me as your mother," her breaths coming in waves of exhaustion, "You don't have to cry either, I will not be alive for long anyway, you just have to wait until I am dead and you two will be freed to do what you want, I will just take it as I have never given birth to either of you."

"Ma ......." I really wish to wrap myself in her embrace like how I used to as a child, but I am already a grownup now, yet she has shrank into a short and thin elderly lady. In helplessness, I can only keep calling out to her, too choked up to say anything more.

"I gave birth to two sons for the Cheng family in vain." She cried in pure anguish, "I would have never guessed that having raised you up to adulthood, the repayment I get is for you two to get involved in such shameful scandals; what sins have I committed exactly, to have given birth to such good sons, you two ......... Cheng family have no hope of descendants now."

One spoke in a near whisper, the other sobbing, both unmoving, the shadow of the night spread into the dim room, the only sound present is that of muttering in tears: "I gave birth to two boys for nothing, two .........."

"Ma, please don't blame us ......." I choked out amidst flowing tears and reached to hold her skinny and rugged hand, but she threw my hand away.

"Ma," I called her in a despairing voice , holding a mug of water, "It is time for you to take your medication."

"I will not take it, why waste the money. I might as well enter my grave earlier, that will fulfill your wish."

"Please don't say that ...... you won't get better if you don't take your medicine, Ma ......"

Mom stubbornly tilted her head to the side, averting her eyes from the pills and warm water I send to her mouth.

"You are all capable men now, your wings have toughened, there is no need for you two to listen to me, so I don't need these medications anymore, the earlier I go look for your father, the sooner I can reunite with him, at least we can accompany each other; that is better than seeing you two humiliate yourselves. You better go as far away from me as possible, don't acknowledge me as your mother, I have never given birth to such disgusting sons, neither boys nor girls ......" The more she spoke, the more agitated she got, "But if the two of you still sees me as your mother, then go right now and make a clean break with those two guys. You pick, whether you want your mom, or those wild men!"

"Or you can easily just wait until I am dead, when I'm dead you can live whatever lifestyle that you desire, it is not as if your dad and I will know or care about what you are up to from down there. Otherwise just find a nice lady to marry, and stay away from men ......"

"Ma, this is not possible, I cannot break up with him ........."

She inhaled sharply, shivering as she struggled for control with her eyes pressed shut for a long while: " ........ I raised you for twenty odd years, now I know it has all been a waste ...... OK, I give up on you, you go ahead and have a good time with men, I still have Yi Chen, I know this is just a moment of folly for him, I will talk to him, he will realize he made a mistake, I don't believe that none of my sons will listen to me, I ......"

"Yi Chen is also ........."

"Don't you talk nonsense, Yi Chen was misled by you, his own big brother, who should have been a good example to him; he would have never done such a thing if it is not because of your bad influence."

I froze at this condemnation, bent my head down and did not speak again, the tears in my eyes gathering.

"Our Cheng family minus you, there is another son left so you can leave as you please, from now on don't you care if I am dead or alive, don't stay here being all hypocritical." Her shortness of breaths worsened, her voice trembling, "For the Cheng family ....... there must be someone to continue the bloodline ......, there must be at least one ...... I had two sons, there must be one ......"

Her breathing gradually calmed down, she stared at me blankly, shedding tears incessantly: "Xiao Chen ah, do you think I am a bad mother?"

" ........." I held back my tears shaking my head.

"Mom doesn't want to force you, you are both pieces of flesh and blood dropped from my own body, why would I wish you to suffer ......" She groped about over her chest, "I have always taken care not to spend too much money, you look ...... I saved so much money for you, I did not dare to spend a cent of these savings, it is all meant for you to start a family ......"

I could not speak a single word, continuing to shake my head, my heart twisted in knots, the pain in my throat very uncomfortable.

"No matter what Mom does, it is all for your own good, Mom doesn't have a choice ......" The old lady before me held on to my hand crying like a baby, "Xiao Chen ah, you are the big brother, you are more sensible than Yi Chen, you understand Mom's difficulty, I know you will not blame Mom ......"

I walked out of the hospital in a state of fatigue, so drained that my legs could barely hold me up. What people say about homosexuality is wrong after all. They said that no matter how deviant this sort of love may be, it does not harm anyone. Yet, we caused harm to her.

Lu Feng had been waiting for me just outside of the hospital all this time, he looked nervous when he saw me approach, but he did not ask me anything, only commenting: "Your eyes are so swollen."

Revealing the relationship between my brother and Qin Lang to my mom is his fault, but I did not have the energy to chide him.

He sat next to me, pulled my hand over to him, held it tightly in the palms of his hand, quietly lowering his head to stare at our hands clasped together.

"Lu Feng, my mom's condition doesn't look good at all."

"Mm?" He raised his eyes, looking at me unblinking.

"She insists on wanting a grandchild ...... Between Yi Chen and I, we can't both disappoint her, so, I ......"

"What?" His voice was not anxious as one might expect, instead it was deadly calm.

"Yi Chen is still very immature, both him and Qin Lang are like big kids ...... I'm thinking, should I ......" His calmness gave me the courage to continue, I swallowed my saliva, "Get married first ...... You give me a couple of years' time, give me some time to be answerable to her, and then ......"

"This is your plan?" He spoke in an indifferent tone. "You have decided?"

"I am still considering ......" I answered honestly.

"Do you think that you are very noble and self-sacrificing by doing this?" His tone suddenly sharpened, "Cheng Yi Chen, so how did you planned on handling me? !"