I hear stories about my dad and my body starts to tremble. The tears start to flow carelessly but they only last for a second.
My body and mind is filled with sorrow, but the emotion I was hoping for just stops completely and give me something else.
Silent tears.
Mind full of thoughts that I can't fully put together, making me lose have of my mind. But why won't the tears fall?
They fall for what? At least five minutes then they stop completely. Turning my screaming tears into silent dead ones. But why?
Because no one cares. I scream, plead, beg for a way out, some type of comfort but no one is to be found. They, more like she, simply doesn't care. Sad isn't it?
I crawl into my bed, fresh tear stains still on my face starting to dry. No more tears are coming down from these very brown eyes of mine.
Going through my thoughts as I put Frank Oceans Hardest Thing on repeat. I try to cry but still nothing comes out.
"The hardest thing is that your not hear with me." My daddy.
"How are you gonna defend someone you don't even know?" My mother says, sending my body into shock and the reason why I lay in my bed now with these silent tears.
She knows how I fell about that and for her to even say that.....
Is it my fault that I didn't get to know him? Huh? Do you think I wanted it this way? Just 10 months of being in this world and he's gone..
15 years of my life without my father with me and not one ounce of information about him of MY remembrance. I only go by stories I hear from his side of the family... And my mother. You got to know him! Be with him! Feel his presence, his love, his embrace! JUST HIS EVERYTHING AND WHAT DO I GET! WHAT ABOUT ME!
What about me?
I get nothing.
That shit really fucked up my mind set about my mother.
I can't fell or say anything because all that will come out is the thing that will lead me to lose my mind than it already is.
These silent tears.
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Yeah since I didn't have any Internet connection I couldn't post this when it happened.
Yep, my mother really told me that after something happened before. This happened on October 30, 2012 and i wrote this the next day in class.
If you want full details inbox me and I'll tell the story.
Writing this on paper I just had a blank expression, but while I was typing this, while having Hardest Thing on repeat really got me thinking back to that day.
Those emotions are all real. For some reason I can't cry, we'll for a long period of time. Instead it's like I'm in a depression. Idk how to explain it.
I'm better now though, but I still have my moments.
~Byancha
Love you daddy v.v
