Evergreen Everleigh - The Wattys 2020

Chapter Thirty-Nine - Ownership Aches

**(This header is a plant called Mother of Thousands)**

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Ownership Aches 

To My Mother, 

I know that you didn't reply to my last letter and that was intentional. However, I needed to write again, in the hopes that you might read this, maybe having your morning coffee sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for Henry and Harmony to eat their cereal. I like to think of you ripping the envelope open with your long, red-painted nails. Even more, I like to imagine that when you see my handwriting you smile. 

I suppose that has been a part of my problem all along. I like to live in a dream, not reality. I'm not going to apologise for this, even though you may feel entitled to that. You and Dad made me a dreamer and someday, I'm going to thrive because of that. Who knows, maybe that is also another dream, but I'm willing to hope. 

Lately, a lot has happened in Freesia Fields and most of it is nothing short of terrible. I wonder what Wister has told you. Maybe Lady Lavender told you about Mr. Flurry and Aloe. If they did, you are probably waiting for the inevitable hurricane to hit. Another round of Storm Ever, ready to decimate. I know you are tired and weary. 

I've been thinking a lot about blame and guilt and more specifically, how I've applied blame and adopted guilt throughout my journey with my mental illnesses. I used to declare it, beating it from my chest, that you were at fault. 

Here is what I've never said to you: I'm grateful for the life you've given me and I love you for it. Your expectations of me are heavy and drag down on my shoulders, but I've had time to realise how tired you must be because any expectation you have for me, I know you have more for yourself. Just in case no one ever said it to you: it's okay to put down the weight on your back sometimes. You're enough as you are. 

I'm sorry for the pain of my illness, for how it has impacted your life, your marriage, and the twins. Somedays, most days, I still want to curl on my side and hide from the fact that I am an utter mess. But worse, a mess that affects others. I'm sorry. If I could, I would bleed myself open for you to understand how sorry I am. 

However much I blamed you, I've always loathed myself the most. It's time for a change. I am frightened to step into this new world of trying and of admitting that I didn't try before. 

Just know this; I don't always understand you, but I have always loved you. That is not an admission, but a proud declaration. You are my mother and I am proud. 

With newly released love, 

Everleigh. 

P.S. I'm called Poppy a lot now and I kind of love it.