The Journals of Wade Dillans: The Four Seasons of August

August 15

PART III - WINTER

It's now August nineteen, nineteen-ninety-nine. It's a Monday, five days from that first horrible day and two days since that day where I was supposed to do something that I thought  I will never regret. The following is what I wrote when the doctor asked me what happened, instead of just saying it, I wrote it because I was lost for words and writing made me feel better even though it seemed it would never be better. 

~Talisbury Medical Center- Report by Patient # 8191983

Dr. Carson, as you asked, I will write what happened, why it happened and my reasons, maybe less. I'm sorry that I can't tell you, because of what I did to myself. I hope you understand but, I don't care if you get angry or if you get sad because I did what you asked, which is this, to write.

 08/14/1999

¤I was writing my journal when Michelle got loose. She ran very fast and I chased her. She went in the alleyway, right beside the ashed Nightingale building, stopped and started to dig through the black ash rubble. I stand by right beside him, anticipating what he was digging for. From the black dust emerged a hand, burnt. The hand was mostly black as if it was overcooked bread. I ran to call the rescuers, who were still searching for dead bodies that were probably beyond recognition. 

I called for one of the men who were wearing reflective jackets and hard hats. 

"I found someone!" I yelled. Two of them started to run towards me. It was a long run because they had to go through all the rubble. "Where is it?" they called as they approached.

Sigh. "He's right there down the alley." I don't appreciate them calling the dead "it", corpses used to be people and they remain being humans, dead or alive. I can't believe that they could treat someone, who probably died in the most painful possible way, like he or she was an object.

They dug out the body from the rubble and they rested him on a stretcher. They carried the body towards the place where multiple corpses lied yesterday. Everyone who was left still looking for their loved ones who are most likely dead ran towards the corpse to see if they can have a glimpse of their dead family member. Mr. and Mrs. Cross also looked at the charred remains, hoping that it wasn't their beloved son who they themselves forced him to go to this ill-fated institution.

I stood far away from the crown to avoid seeing the cadaver, if ever he was Jed, scorched and deceased. I would never see his ashed form which would hurt me to my core.

The crowd slowly dismissed as the remains was most likely not their's. Who ever stays with the corpse is the oviously the family of the corpse. When the crowd was gone and I could clearly see who was left, I saw Mr's. Cross lying on her husbands legs. She fainted. Mr. Cross looked at me in the eye with teary eyes and I felt my insides collapse. It was him, Jed, without his soul, his beating heart, lifeless. 

The Paramedics carried the remains on to a white van while, Mrs. Cross was carried into an ambulance. Mr. Cross came with Mrs. Cross leaving me here by myself, sitting on the curb, with Michelle.

Hours later, mom picked me up from that curb. I was struggling not to cry in-public. Mr. and Mrs. Cross probably called mom to pick me up there. It was a good thing because my cellphone had no juice left.

On our way home Michelle barked all the way and I asked mom about seeing dad that other night. "I saw dad with someone the other night."

Silence. "Is that why you two had a fight?" She didn't answer.Michelle Barks. I knew I shouldn't have asked that.

"I'm sorry." I said " For asking about that."

Michelle Barks again.

She finally responded "it's alright dear. I know you're curious but I can't tell you for now"

I nodded. I turned up the music so I wouldn't hear Michelle and also I wouldn't think about Jed and the point that he's gone now, but I did think of him. A rock song started to play, I took her out, it was a Friday night, I wore cologne,  to get the feeling right. It's hard for me to ignore that point that my best friend is now one of the stars. I break down. Tears started to flow out of my eye sockets, the wind blowing the droplets away, then I stopped because I don't want to cry. I can't do anything about it anyway.

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~Talisbury Medical Center- Report by Patient # 8191983

 08/15/1999

The next morning, I prepared for school just like any other normal day but it was different, I wasn't expecting Jed to come back. I had one less friend than I usually have. Now, I only have one, Dianna. She's a bit on the tipsy side, if you know what I mean.

After I ate my breakfast which was left untouched. I started to walk to school, just like any other school day, seeing the same houses, cars, people. But it wasn't normal, I didn't have any friends. Only someone who I met a few days ago. I barely know her, but she's the only one I know right now.

I know, with everything at hand I could easy get a knife and slice through by neck or get a rope and hang myself or... Heck! I could jump off a building; Although I know it's stupid to do that. I don't want it to happen to other people too. Deaths are chains, you could never escape and one causes the next one to follow. I don't want anyone to follow. I have to cut the chains here.

What followed next was a series of boring classes and depressing walks in the hallways of my school, where peoplegive me looks. People being fake is much more hurtful than saying it at your face. The point is, they don't care if someone dies, they only care if they knew who killed him. They say sorry for awhile then forget about the dead, just like those rescuers, they treat people like objects, disposable. Come to think about it, maybe we are disposable, nothing but an object to continue life in this gray world.

In classes, I just sat there. Bored and not listening. I didn't care anymore, but I tried to smile as if nothing happened, happy as if there was no end. It's hard and it was so easy to breakdown and lose it, but again, I had to. I didn't want this to turn bad.

Lunch, the worst part of the day. There was this obvious distance between me and other people. It was the time when I found out, through whispers and laughs. There were rumors, they say I was going to have a mental break down and that I was going to kill someone, then kill myself. They say that I carry a knife. They say that I killed Jed and that I should be inside a hospital. It was too much and I ran out of the canteen, hurt, emotionally.

I ran through the empty hallways, desperately searching for Dianna, my only friend, the only person that had the possibility of not believing them, Sweat was flowing out of my head and I was soaked. I found her just outside one of the side entrances of the building, reading Hamlet for the hundredth time. "Dianna!" I said bursting through the doors "I've been looking for you."

"Wade." She stood up, dropping her book on the ground. 

"I can explain." I say, gasping for words "It's all just rumors."

"I don't know" she said "I'm not sure about you."

"I didn't do anything wrong."

"Sorry Wade." She said as she ran away. I was left there, left by the only friend I got. I was hurt. I was alone, even more than before. If only, I could talk to Jed, who is now in the heavens.

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