Thank You For The Venom (Frerard)

18 - You're Not In This Alone

18 - You're Not In This Alone

Gerard's dream was blurred and incoherent, a mix of faces and strange imagery. He was gradually becoming aware of a pounding in his head, the dryness on his lips and the discomfort that radiated throughout his whole body, particularly across his back and shoulders. He was lying on something hard, and it definitely wasn't his bunk. 

There was noise too - a voice. A voice that was calling his name. He desperately tried to get comfortable and failed, and with a groan tried to open his eyes. 

"Gerard?" 

That sounded like Frank, only his voice sounded hoarse, and had this desperate edge to it. 

As he blinked open his eyes, he glanced around to see he was on the floor of the bar, lying between the fridge and the counter, a fair few empty bottles around him. His whole body felt like it had been hit by a truck, and his stomach was doing somersaults. 

Fuck. How long had he been out? 

"Gerard?" Frank's voice sounded nearer. 

"mmph" was all that came out his mouth at first, but he managed to pull himself together enough to call back. "Frank?" he tried, more audibly this time, and within seconds he heard the sound of feet running, closer and closer. 

"Gerard? Oh, shit" and then Frank was jumping over the bar, landing next to him on the floor with a thud. Gerard did his best to pull himself into a sitting position, and Frank helped him up. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he'd been crying. 

"Frank? What... what's the time?" Frank didn't reply, just flung his arms around him and pulled him to his chest, holding onto him like he could disappear at any second. Gerard clung onto him, burying his face in his familiar smashing pumpkins t-shirt and trying to make the room stop spinning. 

"I was so scared" he heard him mumble into his hair "I... Gee, I thought... I don't know. I couldn't fucking find you, nobody could, and we looked everywhere... I..." 

"I'm so sorry" Gerard croaked in reply, the guilt so painful it was almost unbearable. He'd done this to Frank, he'd caused those bags under his eyes, those tears. 

"I let you leave that bar alone, I don't know why I fucking did it, I thought you'd be back, and then you weren't, and you said you'd gone to find Mikey but he hadn't seen you and then all I could think about were all the things that could've happened to you if you'd wandered off, or been attacked or-" and then Frank was crying, fresh tears falling down his cheeks. 

Gerard reached up to brush them away with his thumb, and pulled him impossibly closer. 

"This is not your fault Frankie" he whispered "it's me, it's all me. I went looking for Mikey,  and then I saw the bar, and I just couldn't stop myself. I wanted to stop Frankie, I knew I should, I'm just so fucking weak. You don't deserve this..."

"I thought - I thought that if i was everything Bert wasn't, If I could love you hard enough it would be enough to stop it, I thought if I brought it up and spoke to you about it you might not want that, that it would be too much, but Gee I can't watch you do this to yourself. It's killing me too." 

"Frank.." Gerard could feel his own tears pooling in his eyes "I... I thought I could fix it too, I really did. Being with you, it numbs it all, if only for a moment. But... i've got a problem Frankie. It's bad, so much worse than I wanted to admit. I can't keep hurting you and Mikey and the others like this, but I can't fucking stop myself either. I want to stop, I want to be better for you, I thought I could be stronger..."