Fat Girls

00:07

Dedicated to @camiezpinoza for making the new cover.

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Fake it until you make. It's one of those things that are easier said then done. How do you fake confidence? How do you wake up one morning, leave the house, go to school, and walk in like you're the only, First Place National Championship trophy the school ever got? How, after so long of being nothing other than the dirt they walked on, do you become a goddess over night? And even if you did in fact manage to wake a goddess, how do you get out of the stage of faking it and into the stage of I made it.

I googled how to fake confidence and all I got were videos of already pretty girls talking about being pretty. I don't understand what I'm going to have to do to start feeling like I mean more than I think I'm worth.

"Etna, where are you right now?" Delilah pinched my thigh, frustrated. "What do you want?"

I was in the backseat of the Mini Copper, in a fast food to go line, on a Friday.

"I'm not hungry right now." I sighed out to Delilah. She turned around and...glared?

"What did I say?" I asked her putting my hands up as if I'd touched a hot stove.

"Why are you so insecure all the time? So, your just going to stop eating all together or what?" Delilah continued to glare at me.

"I'm not starving myself, jesus. Can the fat girl just be not hungry? Am I not allowed to not want to eat food all the time. You're one of the main people who are always trying to get me on diets and starve myself anyways, so why would it matter to you?" I fumed at her. Just because I sport around a belly, means that I'm always hungry, and if I'm not hungry then I'm starving myself.

"Yeah, whatever." Delilah grunted to me, turning back around.

Why? Why? Is it to much to ask for people to look pass my stomach? Pass my thighs? Pass my round face? Is it to much to ask, for people to look pass all the imperfections they see in me, and into my heart? I know right now my heart isn't much to look at, but it's who I really am. Under this shell that people made seem more important than it actually is.

Braille finished ordering and rolled up to the second window.

"So, Etna...what have you been up to? I mean besides fat kid therapy and all that stuff?" Braille asked nonchalantly. Maybe, she honestly hadn't noticed she was being a b!tc# by saying such an awful thing. But whatever the reason, I was done dealing with it.

"I'm walking to school." I announced. I opened the car door and grabbed my book bag. I shifted my body outside the door, and started walking down the Drive-Thru of the fast food restaurant.

"Where are you going Etna?" Delilah shouted out the window of the pink car. I didn't answer her nor did I turn around. Instead, I lifted up my middle finger and kept walking. I heard the car door open and shut close again.

"Etna come on. Why are you being so extra today?" Delilah called after me. I had made it to the crosswalk.

"I'm not being extra Delilah." I told her, waiting for the sign to turn to the walking man.

"Yes you are. All I asked was if you wanted something to eat." Delilah defended herself.

"Yes, but after that you jumped on me about starving myself." I let Delilah know about herself. "And then," I began to laugh sarcastically, "And then your best friend goes and says some crap like 'Oh Etna how's your sucky life, despite being fat." I mocked Braille.

I was angry, upset, and on my period. Honestly, I was just telling her how I feel. Something I never get to do, because everyone talks over me.

"I just wanted to make sure you had something to eat before school. Is that so awful? Braille just wanted to know how things were going with you. You always find an excuse to be mad at someone, which is probably the main reason why you don't have any friends. Don't get mad at me, because you're going through some self-discovery issues or whatever." Delilah said frustrated, then she took out a cigarette (yes Delilah smokes more often than I would like to mention) and lit it.