Kai's History

18 Years Old (Part 2)

Cody, at some point, went... Physical. I don't have a clue on what happened, all I know is that he became closer to me than usual. He used to talk and hang out with me but this was different.

At the time, I had no idea what I was doing, I was going along with whatever life gave me which isn't the best choice of action. So when this came up, I had no idea how to react.

One night, we were all pretty high and most of us went to sleep, including Mason. It was pretty late and many people in the gang didn't like to stay up late since it would give them headaches from doing drugs too much. So, the only ones left were me and Cody. I recall he didn't want to smoke that day; he sat next to me, looked into the fire that we all made and at times look at me.

I was high as hell and wasn't thinking straight. My head was blank. I only remember certain bits of this unwanted scene.

Cody began all of this by talking about Mavi, saying it really wasn't him that ran her over, but, in instead, was his brother. He was drunk and it just happened to be her to get hit. Now looking back, that seems too coincidental but again, I wasn't in the right mind to ask questions.

What I remember is him asking me to forgive him and his brother. I just said that I forgave him and continued smoking to forget about the car crash imagery that had now been forcibly placed in my mind. I'm glad I did since what happened next isn't... Right.

I really have no idea on how to explain all of this without making it disgusting or disturbing. I don't even think I can recall this without feeling sick.

It might even sound like I accepted it but I hated it. If I knew a stronger than 'hate', then I would use is. I only 'allowed' this to happen because I was very high. I also felt like I had to repay my stay then and when I was little. Mutually, I felt like I was obligated to.

Cody started moving closer to me. At that point, I already knew something was up but the fire and drugs were really interesting.

Then he began kissing my neck. I quickly moved away, laughing, saying no and shaking my head. I never thought he would have these feelings for me and I didn't want them.

We were outside in our usual smoking spot, which I don't know if I prefer or absolutely hate. Everyone else was in the house except for us. If this happened in the house, who knows what would have happened to me and him.

He got closer again and told me: "Come on, Kai, you need to relax.". And at that point, I uncovered a side to Cody that I never want to see again.

Cody stood up and sat on top of me, I looked at him confused and tried to get him off me. Nevertheless of my actions, when he kissed me and held my hands down, I couldn't take him off me. I told him to stop many times but he didn't listen. He just kept going and going.

He told me that I needed to loosen up, that I needed this, more than I know. Yet, I think he was talking about himself, that he was the one that needed this. I'm straight and he knew this too well. This moment made me almost throw up; I despised it but yet I let it happen.

I think I let this happen because it was Cody. I looked up to him and it's almost like I didn't know this is wrong. He was basically my only family left and so I loved him as a brother, but never like this. I most likely only let him because I was high and because he seemed to... Crave this.

Later on, that day, when analysing the situation, I recalled he hadn't smoked so this wasn't a side effect of the drugs. This was his real opinion on me. I didn't want to lose him again and I didn't want to leave the gang. After making friends there, I didn't want to be put back into the streets where I would be alone and cold. I thought I could deal with Cody being like this to me if it was just kissing he wanted, but little to no surprise, he wanted more. So much more.

He dried humped me at first and then he put his hand somewhere I despised him for touching. I wanted to punch him so badly; my body didn't feel right and was trying so hard to repel him. It both mentally and physically hurt to be in there with him.

I don't think it was the idea of him being a male that freaked me out the most. It was the feeling that I was fucking my own brother. It didn't sit right with me and it felt like pure torture.

Leaning into my ear, he whispered something about thinking of him as Mavi and that it'll feel better if I do so. In my high state of mind and thinking that it would help, I did so, accepting his order as if it was any other. Yet, what came up in my mind wasn't the pleasurable moments with Mavi but rather the most saddening ones. This still made me think of something else rather than the present so I strung onto that thought until he had finished whatever he wanted to do with me.

When he finally finished this horror show, I realised I had engraved my nails into the dirt and had a massive headache from holding my breath for too long. My cheeks were wet from instinctive tears and I was numb.

Cody still had more desire and seemed to want to go down on me but I refused, closing my legs and shaking my head. I felt... Disgusted, disturbed, revolted... Weak. Weakness. I was weak at that moment. I wanted to snap, I wanted to beat him up, I wanted to scream at him. But I didn't. Instead, I watched him calmly walk away just like he did after hugging me in his bedroom. So fucking nonchalant. 

"Too bad." was what he had said after... that. And those two simple words echoed in my head as if someone were screaming it in a long, empty corridor. 

I stayed in the same place as I was. I was frozen in time, going through what happened in my head. So many thoughts. So many confused thoughts. What was I meant to think? Was I meant to think that what he did was wrong or right? What did he even get out of this?

Feeling abused and used, I managed to walk to my... No... His room and make myself lie down. Trembling and crying uncontrollably, I curled up in his bed and tried to rest. I was cold and alone.

The next day, I woke up early. I probably only had 3 or 4 hours of sleep and I felt sick like my body was rejecting itself. I felt like I didn't have the resilience to keep going. Even after having a boiling hot shower in the world's most disgusting bathroom, I still felt filthy, unpleasant and ready to throw up at any moment.

I didn't see Cody for the whole day, which was for the better. I thought through everything in my head throughout the day. Questions such as "Can I keep up a façade?", "Did it actually happen?" and "How can I stop this in a nice and safe way?" came up. All of this seemed so weird. I felt like the princess in distress but he had been such an important role model in my life, I couldn't just 'square up to him'. He was the reason I was alive, wouldn't it be ungrateful to not let this thing slide?

Hunger kicked in but I didn't do much with it. I only ate at night and waited until Cody was back. I wanted to talk with him and tell him I'm 'not interested'. I snickered so many times to myself since I never thought I would be required to say any of this to him, out of all the people.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well that night either. My head was spinning and I had blocked out my hunger. Weeping until my eyes were itchy and red is the last thing I remember before falling asleep along with a nightmare that I do not remember.

To this day, I can't get over it. Makes me sick thinking about it. That's why I'm writing it down. I yearn this to be therapeutic and better explained than what I would say out loud if someone were to ask. It seems to be working but I still feel sick to my core even when writing this. The imagery is too vivid in my head. And I want it gone and tucked away. Hopefully, I'll be able to do that with this book.

Hopefully...