Deception

twenty-four*

// life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed //

It's kind of weird how someone can be smiling and laughing without a worry in the world but in a matter of hours, they can be hugging themselves tightly trying to breathe normally.

It's kind of strange how that someone can be me.

I got up this morning with a smile on my face which has been happening for the past few days ever since the carnival fun with Kris. I went to school as always and the whispering has lessened a little by now but I still get weird looks. By now, I consider myself an expert at ignoring them.

I got back home after that and since Kris had another date with Tom, I'm alone in the house. Not that I'm complaining, of course.

I go to bed pretty early seeing that I've been feeling unusually tired lately. I would love to say that I slept perfectly but that's not the case, not at all.

I'm not sure what time it is when I jolt awake with my heart beating like I'm in a horror film and my thoughts are in a jumbled mess. I know I'm hyperventilating since I'm breathing way too quickly and I feel light headed so that is never a good sign.

A tide of uneasiness and panic washes over me and I find myself pulling my legs up to my chest as if it acts like a shield. I am suddenly really aware of how dark my bedroom is and I can't see anything around, it feels like I'm closing my eyes but they're wide open. I know I'm only scaring myself, but I can't help but think that things are lurking in the darkness.

They're out to get me.

I try to find my phone because I have a few songs in there that always help soothe me when I'm in a situation like this, but no matter how far I stretch my arms, I can't find it. The more I try to look for it, the more panic I feel.

After what feels like an eternity, my breathing slows down and my body relaxes with a layer of sweat present on my back. I lay down on my bed again but I can't fall asleep, even as I lay there with my eyes close for a very long time. I try to block out all my thoughts, thinking that maybe that will help.

I give up on going back to sleep when an hour has passed and my brain is still buzzing. I find my phone easily after I've calmed down so I've been checking the time every ten minutes or so, hoping time will go by faster. I sit up on the bed and after a few moments of staring at nothing, I get up and walk out of the room.

People always say that warm milk can help someone to fall asleep better. Personally, I think it's highly unlikely to be true but I've got nothing to lose if I try.

I pour the milk in a cup and put it in the microwave, taking it out to stir every twenty seconds so it doesn't burn. It would have been wiser to heat it on the stove top but I am in no mood to go through the trouble.

When the microwave beeps for the fourth time, I take out the mug and test to see if it's warm enough. It needs twenty more seconds but I don't want to just stand there and stir so I go upstairs and drink the lukewarm milk.

All the walking and stirring has probably made me more awake than sleepy, so I still couldn't fall asleep. I let out a sigh and get up from my bed for the umpteenth time to get a book so I can at least spend my time doing something productive. I don't really care what book I pick out since if it's on my shelf, I must like it.

I end up reading The Age of Innocence, a book by Edith Wharton. I still remember how hesitant I was when my English teacher recommended this book to me when she realized I loved to read classics. I ended up really enjoying the book. It's weird to think that happened over two years ago, so much has changed since then.