Hunter: Gods & Monsters

12th June 2014

Dear iBob,

Zane asked me about what the cost of saving him would really be and I'm acting like everything is fine. No big. The reality is, I have no idea. I may have very well made a deal with the Devil and you don't exactly hear about that kind of thing working out well for anyone. Have I just made a bad situation even worse? We have Zane back so surely it can't be worse than what losing him would have been, right??

Oh iBob.  Why can't anything just be easy and simple and straightforward.

I'm starting to feel better now which is a relief. I wasn't sure if I actually would or if this exhausted feeling was going to become the new normal. I've been avoiding the A-Twins as best I can knowing they'd know something was up and I don't want to keep lying or having to try and explain myself. Kara and Deimos are bad enough.

I can't bring myself to tell anyone outside our little group who was there that night what actually happened. Kara has backed off for now and Deimos has this 'look' that tells me it's not over too. She doesn't understand why I seem so set on protecting Cain; I don't either. Maybe I'm a masochist or something. I dunno. It's just, it's, i don't know. I feel his pain. I can see he's not, 'him'. Maybe I don't even know who he is. For so long I was only given one part of him. Now I can see it all, I just miss what we had.

It's no different to Apollo and Logan. Kind of. Looking back I've always been more accepting of Cain and his alter egos. I've got a million memories of Darius, of the reveal, of how Cain came to be. It just feels different wit him.

They both lied about who they were.

They both saved my life.

Maybe I was just too harsh on Apollo.

I'll never forgot how Cain looked that night we went into their world, when we stood outside the burning remains of what had been his childhood home. I see so much now. Hindsight is an amazing thing. That same sadness, that look of loss and defeat when we had our last drinks before he left this place to go home and start a new chapter. It's still there now; he's hurt and lost and it breaks my heart and I hate it because I know nothing good will come from any of this.

Now I have to go and see him and I am so glad and thankful he's ok, that Art is ok and that I have them back. I've missed them and I love them and deep down I still feel that connection to him. I know we can step back to how things were in a second but I also know it isn't enough. Not now. I want more. I want something else and Apollo isn't the one that can give it to me. I am not saying Cain is iBob no, no, no ... just, I can't give up on him yet.

I hate that Apollo has always been right and it's always been about Cain. It's an illness. A weakness. I just can't help myself and get involved every damn time. Our kiss haunts me. It was filled with too much temptation and promises of something I don't know I can handle. It was like opening Pandora's Box and I don't know how to close it.... thank the gods that didn't happen again. I don't know if we'd ever be able to repair the damage it would have done.

It doesn't matter.

What I need to focus on is what happens next... because right now I have no fucking idea.

Elise Bunting
(Hopeless)