in between all things

Chapter Thirty-Four

My dad didn't show up to Drew's funeral.

And I don't know if it was because Jace was there, standing by my side or if it was because his grief was too severe to even get out of bed.

I'm going to safely go with my first thought.

On the day of the funeral everyone was dressed in black — as one does at a funeral, but I couldn't help but feel like Drew wouldn't have wanted that. He would have wanted everyone to be smiling and happy.

But once the priest starting speaking there was no dry eye in the room.

"Andrew Sage was a kind, courageous and loving young man. His friends and family describe him as someone who always put other's needs before his own and therefore I welcome you all here to mourn the loss of Andrew." The priest said softly, smiling sadly at everyone in the church.

If Jace wasn't holding my hand I swear to god I would have fainted right then and there. It had been lonely during the days leading up to Drew's funeral. My mum was working more than ever and Jace would just cry on my shoulder.

"Your heart is beating really fast." Jace said in the church. I nodded, but kept my eyes forward. The realisation that we had really lost Drew had only kicked in last night, so I was still jittery from the coffee I had downed to stop the nightmares.

Was it normal to have nightmares wishing it was you that died and not someone who had so much to live for? Was it normal to hate yourself because if only Jace and I didn't get Drew mad maybe he wouldn't have walked on that road.

Maybe things would be different if only Jace, Drew and I had listened in health class that day. We knew drinking kills, but we didn't listen! God damn it.

"Now everyone I would like to invite Asher, Andrew's brother to come say a few words," The priest said. I blinked and breathed in deeply. I could do this. Right?

I got up slowly and made my way towards the microphone. Everyone was watching me. And I could see everyone, even the people Drew hated and vise versa. I took a deep breath and started to speak.

"Drew was my rock. He was always there for everyone, namely me. I remember a time when we were little when we were playing outside on the swing set and I tugged too hard on the plastic and broke it. I remember my mother coming outside and being really angry, but before she came outside, Drew turned to me and said "I'm making a pact with you Ashy; I'll always take the fall for you. I'm your broth—"

As soon as I felt tears start to roll down my face, I bolted. And no I don't mean I bolted away from the thoughts in my head, I mean I walked over to Jace, tugged on his arm and started running out of the church, pulling Jace along with me.

Once we were outside I leant against the church walls and lost it. I couldn't help it anymore, the tears wouldn't stop. The guilt wouldn't go away. I put my head in my hands as Jace slid down beside me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

I'm not sure how long we sat there. I'm not if Drew hated me for not being inside to say goodbye. And I'm really not sure if my mum was alright in there surrounded by people she hardly had ever spoken too either.

"Ash?" Jace said softly, kissing the top of my head.

"Yeah?" I asked, looking up at him. Jace looked tired, his black hair was messy and his dark eye's looked like death himself was looking through them. If I didn't know Jace well enough, I'd get away from his as fast as I could.

Grieving Jace was fucken scary.

"I love you." He said.

"I love you too. No more drinking though."

Jace laughed softly and for a small moment everything felt alright. But nothing was ever going to be okay again. Drew wasn't going to live his life. He wasn't going to fall in love — Macie wasn't even here anyways — and he wasn't going to graduate high school.

I wish I was dead.

"No you don't. You wish Drew was still alive." Jace said, alarm clear in his eyes.

I wiped my eyes and stood, pulling Jace up with me. I looked around the church area and sighed. It was a nice and I knew Drew would have loved this. The bird were flying everywhere and it wasn't raining, which was something that had been happening way too much this spring.

"Where's Macie?" I asked. She should be here. Or did she not even care at all?

Jace shrugged. "I called her, but she never got back to me."

"I guess we'll see her at school."

Jace looked at me oddly. "I'm moving back with my mum."

"Okay but your going to school so soon?"

I sighed and looked up at the sky. "Drew would have wanted me too. It's been a week since he died and I feel like shit." I felt tears roll down my cheeks as I spoke. "But Drew always loved me more than he loved himself."

Jace smiled. "Are you bipolar? You were crying a moment ago wanting to die."

I rolled my eyes. "Imagine Drew being here slapping you on the side of your head."

Jace winced and rubbed the side of his head. "You both are evil."

"We love you too Jace." I said on behalf of Drew. Nothing was going to be okay. Nothing was going to be easy, but maybe, just maybe I can keep pushing on for Drew. I'll make it my mission to live for him.

Because god knows he deserves it.