The Sound of Glass Hearts {Kellin Quinn} (Watty Awards 2013)

0 - Stomach Tied in Knots

I’m staring at the invitation in my hand as I walk up to the ceremony.  It’s intricately written on, the script looping stylishly and popping out against the black background.  The theme colors seem to be black and silver, the true black tie event.  I stand out in my dark turquoise dress that is fitted like a corset on my torso and compliments the blue highlights in my copper colored hair.  The loose skirt is swaying in the wind, black wedges making my pale skin pop.  My hair is pulled into a loose bun, pin curls falling down my back and bangs covering part of my face.  It’s a good thing they’re hiding my face slightly…I don’t want anyone to see the light smudges of makeup that dot my face.
 

   The eyeliner around my eyes is sticking to the lid just below my eyebrow and mascara is painting itself in places that it shouldn’t be.  Maybe it’s because this is the day I wished would never come and it’s hard to believe he actually invited me.  Is this meant to be some form of torture?  Is this what I get for all the wrongs I committed?  This is his wedding…not our wedding but his to another woman.  This is my fault, all my fault for letting him go.  I shouldn’t have pushed him away, I should have pulled him closer to me when I had the chance…

    But I’m handing the invitation to the man asking for them so that I can go inside the venue.  I don’t know why I’m subjecting myself to this because I know as soon as I see him I’m going to break.  One way or another I’m going to break down, either I’m going to run to him or I will run away.

    I don’t know which yet.

    I’m walking towards the seating area, taking my place on the groom’s side.  The rest of the band is up front, Gabe causing trouble as he punches Jack in the arm and Justin trying to break them up.  Jesse is laughing and shaking his head at the others.  The groom’s parents are sitting in front of them and keep turning back to tell the boys to settle down.  My heart is racing as I watch a man in a tux stroll up to them, smiling that ever familiar smile.

    He glances up at me and my heart stops…I can’t breathe…I can’t think and I most certainly can’t stay.

    His baby blues are full of some emotion I can’t read as though he’s confused as to whether he should be excited or angry to see me.  The wide set of his mouth shows his shock, the scrunched expression of his eyebrows also adding to said effect.  His hair is perfectly styled and out of his face so that the black compliments his bone structure instead of hiding it.  He looks like he’s in a magazine or a movie or some sort of fantasy I created in my own head…or rather a nightmare I created.

    That tux isn’t for me.

    I stand, shaking and walking away as steadily as I can which is probably the most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do.  The tears are already flowing as I try to remain composed, but I have to get out of here.  It was a mistake to come, it was a mistake to sit down and stare at him for a few moments.  I must be a masochist because the reality of the matter is that this is true torture: this is my own personal hell.

    I’m watching the man I love, the man that was mine, marry someone else.

    A strangled sob erupts from my throat because I can’t hold it in any longer.  I should have been better, I could have been and after the time we have been apart I have worked on my personality disorder that caused us to break up.  I worked on my longings, my vices, my virtues all in the hope that maybe I could win him back one day.  He’s the man of my dreams…he is the only one I want and if I can’t have him I guess I’ll just be alone.

    I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to confront at my attacker.  His baby blues meet the hazel of my orbs and I’m frozen in place.  He speaks, but I can’t hear him so I stare at his lips yearningly.  I want him so badly I can taste it.

    “Hannah?” Kellin Quinn murmurs, though slightly still confused as to what his emotion should be, “What are you doing here?”