Awakening to Life

Awakening to Life 5

Chapter 5

I sit in my usual seat in class, in the corner next to Hailey. Mrs Colliey, our crazy Region and Values Education teacher, has been talking for ages, introducing the DVD we're about to watch when she decides to stop yabbering on. My mind keeps drifting to last night. Dr Marsden said I would have to take it easy... and quit school. I begged and cried, eventually convincing them to give me the few more weeks until the end of term - I could do half days and take lots of sick days off. And then I would have to tell everyone what's going on with me. I'd have to tell everyone I have cancer. Tell them I'm dying; that I'm not coming back to school, that I won't live long enough to see my year level graduate.

The DVD is finally running on the large screen suspended above the whiteboard. I try to focus on the documentary as Jayden stares at me from the other side of the classroom. We haven't spoken yet. I don't fool myself by hoping he hasn't told anyone, or that he isn't going to. He'd probably take joy in being the sole cause of my misery. I set my eyes on the screen and will myself to focus. Finally, I hear the words.

The DVD is about teenagers who have ruined their lives through drugs, alcohol and violence. It's cliché and stupid - but it made me feel cheated. I didn't do anything to deserve this and I'm dying. These kids are throwing away their lives and I would give anything to have mine. All I can think about is how they're getting a second chance at life, after screwing it up so badly, while I'm going to die. I've never took drugs or drank more than one glass of alcohol. I always eat well, take care of my body and try my hardest to control my anger and sadness, even though sometimes it is overwhelming. But the fight is over.

Tears spill from my eyes unwillingly. I brush them away, trying desperately to control myself so that nobody notices the chaos of my emotions. The tears just flow faster and a tiny sob escapes my throat. Hailey turns to look at me, her eyes widening in shock as she takes in my silent crying. I push back my chair violently and run from the room. I slam through the door, running along the edge of the undercover area, slipping on puddles in my haste.

"Allie! Hey, Alison! Wait up!"

Hailey is running after me, sliding through the puddles in the pavement beside the lockers. The pitter-patter of rain provides a strong beat which seems to propel me forward. I am lost in concentration as I listen to the effect of the rain slapping on the concrete.

I keep moving through the deserted school grounds, overhearing snippets of each class as I pass the crowded rooms and make my way into the girls' bathroom. I choose the closest cubicle and lock the door behind me, sitting on the seat and crying my heart out. I try to smother the violent sobs as I hear the door swing open - but it is as if they are being pulled from my chest by a higher power.

"Allie, please talk to me. Are you ok?" She's standing outside the cubicle. I can see her shoes peaking beneath the door in front of me.

"Allie? Was it the video?"

All year we've been learning about self esteem and good habits. We've made our short-term and long-term goals, and I took mine to the hospital and I thought about it. I wrote down my hopes and my dreams and I poured my heart onto the page. I truly believed that I would fulfil my dreams. Or at least have the chance to grow up and find new ones, only to look back and laugh at how childish or simple mine were at the age of sixteen.

"Allie... I know something's wrong," Hailey whispers, her words echo around the bathroom. "You've lost a lot of weight, you're so skinny... You never eat much..."

I cry even harder. This girl doesn't know me, but that's my fault and not hers. She's concerned about me. God, I wish it really was an eating disorder. Well no, I just wish I didn't have cancer.