baby, don't cut

ii.

        “Today couldn’t have gone any worse,” Macy mumbled burying her face into the pillow. I sighed and spun around in her computer chair, staring at her limp frame sprung across the mattress. 

        It pained me to see how helpless she looked, clinging a free pillow to her chest with her legs wrapped around the end. She wore my Real Friends t-shirt and even though it wasn’t too big on me, it hung from her body loosely like an oversized potato sac used for races.  

            Her hair clouded her face, pooling over her tan skin. If I didn’t know she was laying on her bed and walked into the room, I would have assumed the girl from The Grudge was taking refuge on her bed.

            Standing up from the chair, I walked over to the bed and sat beside her; running my fingers through her hair and away from her face. I sighed running my index finger underneath her closed eyes that were rose colored and flared. “What was so bad about today?” I whispered slowly rubbing her upper cheek.

            Macy rolled onto her back and looked up at me, her once bright hazel eyes now a darken shade of gray. “Everything.”

            I grabbed Macy’s body in my arms and scooted her body to the side so I could rest beside her; my arms instantly wrapped around her waist making her my smaller spoon. A content sigh fell from the back of her throat as I nuzzled her cheek with the side of mine, ticking her with my scruff that she pretended to hate so much.

            “What’s everything?” I whispered, smoothing circles on her hip.

            “Were you not there when we placed fourth?” she snapped her voice raising high from a whisper while her shoulders tensed underneath my body. “I was next to you the whole time Macy,” I said brushing the circles a little deeper into her skin.

            “It was my fault,” she mumbled seeping her body further into mine, finally losing tension and relaxing into the touch of my hand. “Hey,” I spoke softly nudging the side of her face with my nose.

        I could have sworn a small smile began to spread on her face, but as face as it was growing, it instantly died within a millisecond turning into a frown. “There’s eighty-five of us in band, it was half of our faults.”

        “Heck,” I chuckled under my breath, “didn’t you hear how shitty I sounded with my taps?” I laughed, hoping to ease all the pressure she felt underneath her skin. “You didn’t fuck up your solo.”

        I closed my eyes thinking back to the competition and how pressured Macy felt to accomplish her solo and hit every single note on tune. She was nervous all day before our performance and with all the nerves seeping through her pores, her performance was affected.

        Sure, she partially messed up her solo; but it was only a few parts. Only a couple of notes were slurred and out of tune. It was a good solo but it wasn’t as great as her normal playing. “You’re too hard on yourself,” I kissed her cheek “everyone has their moments when we don’t meet our expectations. Every night will have a bright day, Macy.”

        She sighed and turned her body around to face me. My stomach jittered feeling her small arms wrap around to my back clinging to me as if I was the pillow she once used as comfort. It had been a while since Macy returned my affections, normally resisting every touch I tried to make whether it was a caress of her cheek or our fingers intertwined.

        I tried not to let my hurt show every time I felt her tense underneath my arms or lips when they pressed against her skin. She had a lot to worry about and I didn’t want her worrying and obsessing over the sadness she put on me. For the past months Macy was consumed with pure sadness and it wasn’t fair to her to feel my own; even if, she was the cause. A secret I would never utter out loud to anyone, including myself.

        Her forehead rested upon mine and while her lids were peacefully shut, mine scanned her body. I closed my eyes tight, flinching as I looked down her arms ending at her small wrist.

        Tiny and large wide white lines stenciled scars along the circumference of her wrist, drawn midway to her elbow. I exhaled deeply feeling my breath on the bottom of chin. It had been a month since Macy’s last attempt and every time my eyes landed upon the white marks my heart stopped and fell to the pit of my stomach.

        I felt Macy tense all over again as my finger danced over her wrist. She tried to pull it away from my grasp but I held her still. “Asher, please,” she whined trying to pry her wrist away from me but failing for the second time.

        “So many times I’ve asked Macy,” I whispered, knowing if I spoke louder I would choke and crack. I understood she didn’t want to talk about that one afternoon I found her after practice in the locker room, but she couldn’t keep it hidden in the back of her mind. The truth had to come out sometime.

        As frustrated as her stubbornness to act like she didn’t slit her flesh until passing out due to blood loss made me, I tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine how she became so low. She never used to be depressed; Macy was once full of joy and happiness and seeing her now, her whole personality changed. But I loved Macy, and I wasn’t an asshole who was going to walk away when she tried to off herself. No, I promised to be the guy who stood by her side and help her get better.

        I was going to save her, even if that meant taking her sadness as my own. After finding her passed out with a bottle of pills next to her in the locker room and marks along her skin, I felt like I failed her. I was supposed to be the one to protect her and be there for her when everything turned shit and she was in the dumps. But I wasn’t; and even though I never suspected a thing nor saw a different light in her at the time, I felt as if she was crying out to me and I was too deaf to hear her.

        “I just feel numb,” she whispered. “Numb?” I repeated looking her in the eye. She lowered her gaze from me like looking at me burned her sight. “This way I have control of the pain I feel inside.”

        I gulped closing my eyes, fearing her reply, if she even did reply, to the main question I’ve pondered the whole time since. "How long has it been going since you felt this way?" I whispered, "because you got me here just feeling so damn helpless." I couldn't help but choke the last part out, feeling foolish and selfish for making her sadness about myself and blaming her for being so quiet.

        “It’s been a while I guess,” she mumbled softly, ignoring the breaking of my voice. I sprung up fast, her body sliding off mine as I sat up. Anger and pain flooded in my veins by her shyness and hidden secret. “You’re only seventeen Macy,” I gasped, “you have your whole life ahead of you.”

        Her eyes turned to slits, glaring directly through my own. “You don’t get it,” she mumbled sitting up against the headboard with her knees pressed against her chest.

        My eyes bulged widening in shock while my hands lifted into the air. “I’m trying Macy,” I chuckled, no longer worrying about staying quiet so her parents wouldn’t hear. “I’m trying, so fucking hard to understand, but you wont let me in.”

        I sighed, inhaling and exhaling softly to calm myself down. Macy rested her head on her kneecap, ignoring the small tears that fell from the corner of her eye. “I don’t know what you want me to do,” she whispered no longer looking at me but to the side of her room and out the window.

        I felt bad but I couldn’t help but chuckle at her comment, “you don’t know what you want me to do?” I mimicked, anger rising up once again. Normally, I was great at composing myself and keeping my lips sealed when it came to her and our talks about what happened; but, this time I couldn’t help it. I loved her so much but it was as if I was trying for nothing and she never seemed to understand nor see how her sadness was consuming not only me, but others around her.

        She looked at me harshly, “yes,” she snapped, “I don’t know what you want me to do.”

        I was oblivious to the water running from my eyes down my cheeks as I stalked closer to her sitting frame on the bed, trapping her in between my arms. “You know what I want you to do?” I screamed, my eyes glaring into her matching ones, “baby, never cut.”