My Name Is Bucky

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It had been about a month since my original call to trial. Matt has been over religiously, helping me with my case and collecting evidence that would let us succeed. While he wasn't the kindest person, he was very persistent and told it like it was, which I appreciated.

I sat at a table while his blind eyes stared at me through his glasses. "I'm gonna tell you something, Mr. Barnes. You're not going to like it at all, but this is my professional opinion."

"I never like anything you say."

"I think you should plead guilty." Silence. I could hear a pin drop. My breathing got louder until it swelled up in my ears. "Calm down," Matt commanded. "You, yourself, didn't willingly commit the murders and other acts or terrorism."

I guess he caught my flinch somehow, because he snapped at me. This was one of the reasons why Steve was no longer allowed at our meetings. Once, Matt lost it so bad that he stood up and screamed in my face. Steve almost punched him and Sam has to remove our friend from the room.

"That's what they were, Bucky! They were acts of terrorism! Accept it!" He paused, took a breath, and continued. "You didn't willingly do that. HYDRA put something in your head, used electroshock therapy on you, and turned your brain into mush. Now, we just need Stark to get evidence of that thing in your head-"

"Yeah we tried. Don't you remember? I almost died."

"Try harder. You've been shot how many times?"

Something inside me took over. "73."

Matt didn't seem shocked at this. "For Christ's sake, you're missing an arm. You're stronger than this, so start acting like it."

There were some days where I felt more like the Winter Soldier than I felt like Bucky. Today was one of those days.

***

"This isn't gonna work, Tony." I watched as the man flicked switches and tapped keyboards.

He didn't answer. When he got too deep into his work, he could ignore you for days. He'd never hear you.

Sam stood next to me, watching as a device locked me into my metal cylinder. The plan was to basically use HYDRA techniques on me, but in a "friendly" way. My handlers used to do this think called cyrofreeze or something like that before they got into my brain to wipe my memories. Tony would use the same tactic to get pictures of the device implanted in my brain.

We still didn't know of it would explode or alert something if we tried to remove it. Tony was originally going to do just that, but then there was a long three hour talk with Steve about what we can and cannot do to the evil assassin.

Sam helped tony with his technology as ice crept into my containment. My heart started to pound and my head screamed. Every inch of me was reminded of what HYDRA did and what I did afterwards. A little boy, a woman, blood spilled on the floor. I took a deep breath before I went to sleep.

***

"Tony, stop it. Now answer my question," Steve demanded.

My head pounded with voices and pain.
Get out of here. What was the mission? Do it now.

"No, no mission," I muttered to myself.

The door of my chamber opened and I took a deep gulp of air, letting it fill my lungs and bring me back to life. Steve was up in Stark's face, on the verge of screaming.

"Yes, Rogers. Calm down-"

"I will not calm down! He's like how he was when they had him. What if that triggers some sort of reaction in him? What if he loses it? What if he-"

"Enough!" The shorter man yelled. "I'm telling you, hes fine! His brainwaves are normal and he's gonna be okay!"

Who was "he"? My brain felt fogged up and dizzy. Sam. Where did Sam go? How long was I frozen for? What had made Steve so scared and angry?

Not safe
Oh shut up

Steve took a breath. "What did you find?"

Pictures were pulled out of thin air. There was a small circular device implanted in a picture of a brain. There were minuscule wires that ran throughout the brain, connecting things and enveloping the organ.

"So this is what we need," Steve said affirmatively. "This is what will save him."

"Why do you keep saying him?" I asked. "Who's him?"

Steve spun around and smiled upon the sight of me, I guess. He hugged me tightly and looked at me closely. "Are you okay?"

"Kinda tired. And confused."

Steve's eyes scanned my face. "Do you know where you are? And who I am?"

"Yeah. Yeah, you're that punk of mine, Steve and we're in Howard Stark's house because he's right over there and he's helping you."

Steve paused. "Howard?"

"The man that made you beefy."

He turned back to look at our friend, who shrugged and typed down these notes. "Okay, let's get some rest. We have a big day soon?"

"A big day?"

***

I put on Steve's blue suit, which was just a little bit too big. Trial was soon and I was terrified of losing. Obviously, it was inevitable. That didn't make it any less scary.

What's worse was the voice in my head screaming at me constantly. Always telling me to run and to get out here. It told me that I would die if I didn't follow its instructions. It was persistant and loud. Very loud.

Steve helped me tie the tie. He was thoughtful today. I could tell he wanted to say something, that he wanted to help me. But he was more worried than I was. After all, I think he cares for me. And I've started to feel like a person because of him. I'm getting better. He sees that.

Matt showed up later with bruises on his knuckles and some swelling around his eye. I always knew something was wrong with him. How does a blind guy punch something? That's the only way to explain the knuckle injuries.

"Mr. Murdock," Steve greeted. "What happened?"

Matt chuckled insincerely. "Oh, well, I fell down the stairs in my apartment yesterday. Somebody left a box out where it wasn't supposed to be."

Steve accepted this. I knew it was false. And for some reason the slight head tilt that Matt did towards me made me realize he knew I was onto him.

"Ready for trial, Bucky?"

"Is death on the table for punishment?" I asked. Steve's hands tightened on my collar buttons, almost choking me.

"I'd say to assume the worst case scenario. It's very possible. And stark gave me the evidence. It's not useful to me but I'm sure the seeing ladies and gentlemen of the jury will get a kick out of it."

"What's with the blind jokes?" I asked.

"You should make some arm ones."

Speaking of arms, I grabbed my glove and slid it over my left one. The only thought I had was that during trial somebody would see it and get so worked up that they caused a scene and hurt Steve or somebody else. I kept it locked up and hidden. I'd put it in my pocket if I ever thought somebody was glancing at it.

Steve looked at me worriedly. "You're gonna be okay." He hugged me tightly, and I wrapped my arms around him, taking in his warmth and his optimism.

The police entered through the doorway, ready to escort me, Matt, and Steve to the courthouse.

"Til the end of the line?" I asked, holding Steve's hand as tightly as I could.

"Til the end of the line."

***
"He is off to trial, sir."

The commander smirked. "Good. Is the job in motion?"

"Yes, sir."

"Is he on to you?"

"I do believe so, sir. But it's playing a mind game on him."

"Good. Make the trial interesting."