Apricity - [Bakugou Katsuki x Reader]

Chapter 5: Hold Me Close

At every occurrence prior to now, Katsuki had confronted you. He had always been the one to try and prompt you to bare some of your sullen secrets. At every occurrence prior to now, the words die away on your lips, nowhere to be found. 

When you awaken the day after your melancholic walk in the park, it's well into the afternoon, yet the sky is gray and dark; you rise to your feet with unexpected vigour, anyway.

If you approach Katsuki on your own terms to tell him what he wants to hear, you suspect that you won't be afraid anymore, right?  The idea fills you with a sense of encouragement to make things right.

You patter around your room as you rush to make yourself a bit more presentable—rubbing the sleep out of your eye, taming the tousled hair atop your head, and changing out of your sleepwear. In your haste, you absentmindedly forget to bring your coat, and it comes back to bite you only moments later.

When you step out into the unforgiving, hiemal, late January air, the snow around you falls as though the clouds had opened up right down the middle and are dropping its contents all at once—you shiver. Katsuki's dorm is a short walk away from yours, so you forego the jacket and sprint towards the dormitory that's five buildings away from your own. When you enter, your cheeks begin to burn at the sudden change in climate.

The common area ahead of you is lively with the students of class 1-A, and whatever it is that they're partaking in, Katsuki isn't there. It's enrapturing enough to keep them from noticing your presence as you slip past them toward the stairs. Your hair is damp with melted snow by the time you reach the fourth floor.

Your fist raps against Katsuki's door three times.

"Fuck off," he calls out from within his room, voice terse and muffled by the door. You knock again.

"Oi, Shitty-Hair, didn't I fucking tell you to leave me the hell—" the look of confusion on his face as he tears open the door is potent, and you know that you're the last person he's expecting to see.

"Hi..." you start, and your feet shuffle in anticipation, "I thought it would be good if we finally talked..."

Katsuki doesn't hesitate to move off to the side and usher you in. Your back is still towards him when the door shuts, and you feel a hand gently entwining itself between the clumpy strands of your wet hair.

"Did you really come all the way over here like this? The day you get me sick is the day I kick your ass, moron." There is no malice to his words, and you chortle halfheartedly.

"Sorry," you mutter.

Katsuki's fingers leave your hair, and he drags his feet along the floor as he approaches his closet. He searches for several moments, only to pull out a ribbed, white bath towel.

"Don't be sorry, just sit."

You perch yourself against the edge of his bed, and Katsuki moves to stand before you, towel poised above your head. His hands are rough as they blot and tousle your hair. As his cloth-covered fingers traverse through your hair, you begin to fill with guilt; even now, while he's still upset with you, he Katsuki still cares for you. You want to show him that you care for him, too. You want to make him feel a bit of joy before you burden him this evening. 

When Katsuki begins to move the towel lower to dry the hair near the base of your neck, you peek your head from under the cloth to face him. You hold your gaze with him for a moment, and you watch as his expression softens, though his eyes are still muddled with a sadness that makes your heart twist.

You move half-minded as you grasp his shirt between your fingers and pull gently, bringing Katsuki's forehead to rest against your own. His nose brushes up against the gelid skin of your cheeks.  As you lean closer, Katsuki's breath brushes over your bottom lip, and you move a hand to rest upon his face, thumb pressing softly into his cheek. You hesitantly plant a faint kiss against his lips before pulling away, the distance between you only a hairs-width. You wait nervously for a reaction from your soulmate, and you never receive one—Katsuki only moves to caress your lips with his own again.

As you hold each other in your intimate embrace, it's almost impossible to pull away. The kiss is like bittersweet dark chocolate—Katsuki's taste is the saccharin, sugary bits, and yours is the acrid cocoa parts.  Heat sits high on your cheeks as the kiss descends into territory the two of you have never explored, bringing you both down with it. 

In a way that's just like him, Katsuki delves your embrace into something deeper, more raw and aggressive. You're content to let him as your hand grasping his face moves to intertwine with the baby wisps of hair at the base of his neck, and the other splays against his chest. Katsuki's own hands move to place his hands firmly onto your cheeks, pulling you impossibly closer to him, dropping the now damp towel behind you in the process.

When Katsuki parts from you, he rests against your forehead again, his breath laboured and fanning across your cheeks. 

"I want to be more than just a friend to you," Katsuki's voice is quiet and strained, no louder than a choked up murmur. When your body stiffens, and your hand loosens from its place in his hair, Katsuki pulls away, eyes opening to bore into your own—his cheeks are rosy and his lips swollen, but his eyes are despondent, "I've always wanted to be more to you, but you've never wanted to hear that, have you?"

Your arms drop from around him as his own do the same. Katsuki takes a step back from you, arms crossing in front of his chest. You pull at your fingers that suddenly now feel subnivean. You try your best to come up with something to say, but nothing substantial comes to you. You find yourself as at a loss for words as the day you met.

"We were only ever supposed to be friends, Katsuki-san..."

"Bullshit," he scoffs, irritated, "I don't know shit about relationships, but I know that we're not fucking friends, and you know it, too."

When Katsuki heaves a sigh, you can tell that he's starting to give up, and a heavy pit forms in the bottom of your stomach.

"This whole time we've known each other, I've always been the only one trying for us—even when we first met. Now, all I'm asking from you is to try for me, and all you have are fucking excuses."

You know he's right and that what he's saying is fair and makes sense, but there's this irrational part of you that feels like the world is crashing down around you. You feel like you're in quicksand, and you're sinking down into the deepest parts of the earth where you won't ever be found.

"Well, what am I supposed to say, huh? All of this is terrifying, and I have no idea what to do about it!" You're angry now, and you realize that this is the first you've yelled at Katsuki—this is the first you've yelled at anyone.

"Fucking talk to me! That's all I've ever asked you to do!"

"I—" your lip begins to quiver when you find that you're in the same position that you were last night and that you still don't yet know how to overcome your cowardice, "...I can't."

"Then, get out."

Your head snaps up to meet his gaze, and you've never seen Katsuki looks so full of anguish before.

"I just want to be there for you, and no matter what I do, you never open up to me. If you can't trust me, then get out."

The room is silent for a long while, and it only adds to the hurt you feel. Maybe you're selfish for feeling like you've been betrayed but, it doesn't change the way your chest concaves and fills with dread.

You break your gaze from him as you stand, barely brushing past him. The sound the door makes as it shuts behind you serves only to further solidify the end of your relationship.