12:02

Victoria: I... Died

They don’t know… No one knows. My Mum knows, but she isn’t going to tell anyone. So much can happen in fourteen months. So much pain and suffering can be cured. So much heartbreak can be fixed with just a small amount of time. My letters are written. The time is decided. My death is planned…

“Dear Ash…

I’m so sorry it had to be you, there was no other way. I picked you, well, you and Michael, I couldn’t put that burden on the girls… I just couldn’t…But it had to be someone I knew. Someone who I know would have understood. You’ve been my friend for ages. So I picked you… I knew you and Michael would understand why I did it, why I had to do it. I’m so sorry Ashton. Please, please understand. There’s a letter in Michael’s glove box… Make sure he gets it… Make sure he knows it wasn’t his fault…

Lots of Love, Victoria –xx-”

I dropped the letter in Ashton’s mailbox last night on my way to Calum’s. I knew he would already be in bed asleep so I didn’t have to worry about him finding it too early. I put Michael’s in his car glove box this morning when he gave me a lift home from Bridget’s house. I knew that he was staying in for the rest of the afternoon so I didn’t have to worry about him either. This pain took a toll on me like no other. People think they know me. Jade thinks she knows me, Bridget thinks she knows me. They all think they know me. No one knows me. I thought about death many times. Never about me being the one to make it happen. Only about life after death. I admit, I wasn’t a Christian, nor will I ever be. I don’t hate God. I just don’t see how there could be a God if so much bad happens. Usually I would joke and say if my Mum holds my funeral in a Church I’ll come back and haunt her. But I won’t. Not this time. “Funerals aren’t for the dead…”I read that somewhere“…they’re for the living.”

“Michael…

I’m so sorry. If you’re reading this, it’s probably done… Knowing you, you wouldn’t have read it whilst driving. If you did… What an idiot! You could have killed yourself, put this down now!

You need to know, and I know people say this all too often, but, it wasn’t you, it was me. I’ve written these notes to assure you IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT. Michael. I’m so sorry. You think you know somebody. Michael no one knew me, and I mean, really knew me. The truth is, I was a time bomb. I had only hours left to live, and this was the only way for me to make it painless. I knew your route, I knew you and Ash were going to be driving down this road. I knew you’d forgive me. I’ve done my research. I knew how to do it without killing you guys along with me. I’m sorry…

Two days ago, I went with my Mum to check my test results for a possible cancerous tumour in my liver… It was cancerous… It was also too late. Michael, it wasn’t suicide, I just simply, put myself down. I had started to feel the pain, but I hid it oh so well. Show this to the police if you must… My Mum knows… Ashton knows… No one else knows, I want you to keep it that way please. Or I’ll come back and haunt you! Too soon? Sorry…

Make sure Cal knows how much I loved him; and the girls. I don’t know how I could have gone through my short life without them. They made it all possible. Who knows, maybe I could have got through this too, but I guess we will never know now.

I assure you Michael. If there was another way… I would have taken it. (Also once Mum’s calmed down about this whole situation, she will pay for the repairs to your car. I’ve made sure of it) I didn’t want it to seem like a suicide. I need everyone to know that it wasn’t my decision. I didn’t want to go, but I had no choice Michael. I didn’t have another option.

I love you Mikey. Stay strong. Be there for Bridge, and the others. P.S. She has a thing for you… Get in there…

Love Tori –xx-”

‘Iris’ by the Goo Goo Dolls was playing as I drove down the long winding road. It was like every emotion I’d ever felt came rushing back at once. And then I saw his car come around the corner. My brain turned itself off. Everything happened so quickly. As the song said “I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think that they’d understand” It’s a perfect representation of how I felt in that moment. It was as if I was a spirit, no longer attached to my body as I watched the accident unfold in front of my eyes. And in that moment it was as if subconsciously my soul asked God for forgiveness. I saw a flash of light surrounding my body and suddenly I was there. I was back in my body. Unable to move, breath, speak. I was dead.

Life is a journey, where to...Maybe I'll find out, and I'll get back to you…