When Will I Hold You? (MxM)

Seven

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It feels like my whole world is crashing around me in slow motion. It feels like the skin on my face is melting from my bones. Each breath out made my vision blurry and each breath in filled me with the ugliness of the situation. We were sitting quietly in the tea room but it felt like everything was too loud and moving too fast.

It was weird being here. We never use this room. The last time we were in here was when Navitha got engaged.

My pulse quickened and the terrifying thought that my parent's may have found out somehow...

What if they know? And that's why we're in here. They want to confront me and Gage. My father has gathered us here to tell me I'm a disgrace and has invited everyone in the family to witness the lashing I was about to receive.

That's why Navitha is here with her wonderful husband and all of her many children and why my younger brother Rajah is here with the infamous Mohammad Masood. This is some intervention to put me back on the right path.

But no matter what happened, I was going to come out to my parents. I was ready. I was finally ready. After years of hiding, years of feeling ashamed. Years of being terrified that this would only add to the long long list of ways I've been a disappointment to my parents.  I needed to do this for me. I needed to do this for whatever future I have with Gage.

That, however, didn't make me any less scared. Fear took over my entire body. It made time stop.

The words were anxiously waiting in my throat. Ready to pounce like a wild cat hiding in tall grass onto the weak, unsuspecting prey that was my parents. Just as I stalked ever so slowly closer to finally attacking them with the truth, my brother spoke.

In the moment I was the weak unsuspecting prey, I was the lioness watching her prey be taken by another, I was watching it all unravel and unable to stop it from happening. My blood was leaking from my neck, my stomach was to remain empty another day, I was to remain unfulfilled and with this secret forever within my defenseless self.

As soon as I was ready, my brother announced that he would like to marry his friend, Mohammad Masood.

I nearly collapsed when he said that but I genuinely wished to be buried when my father had let out a long sigh of relief and said "finally".

Finally he was coming out. Finally he'll stop the hiding. Finally he will make an honest man of Masood. Finally this. Finally that. I couldn't believe my father, the most icy man I've ever known said this. He said "finally."

Finally when I was ready. Finally when the words were on the tip of my tongue did my little brother finally show how disrespectful he truly is and interrupt me.

Finally, I found it in myself to do what I was most afraid of.

I abruptly got up from the dinner table where my younger brother finally spoke his truth and my parents could finally have a son to be proud of.

"Abhi, come back" I heard someone say from the table. But I didn't care.

I kept walking until I reached the front door. Before I could even touch the door handle, once again I was ripped from someone I wanted to do by my brother who swiftly ran past me and stood in front of the door.

"Dammit Rajah!" I growl out with my hands curling into fists looking dead ahead at my brother "move. I'm leaving."

"Do you not accept me bhai?" he asked looking at me with those wide innocent eyes that got him everything he ever wanted. Everything about him annoyed me in this moment. Even the way he said bhai. It irritated me that he referred to me with respect even when no one was around. Never by my name, because we aren't equals.

Growing up I knew I was his bhai, his older brother, I knew I deserved respect and privileges he didn't. Yet that was never how it was because we aren't equals.

"Raj. Move."

"I'm sorry bhai" he said weakly "I don't mean to disappoint you."

He then turned to open the door for me and stood aside for me to walk out.

I heard footsteps come from behind us. I knew everyone was watching and that made whatever statement I was making by walking out even more powerful.

The moment I stepped out I heard Rajah apologise for me.

My blood only boiled more.

"Can't you let me do anything first?" I spat out not looking at anything but the yard in front of me.

"Bhai?"

"You can't let me apologise for myself, you can't let me open the door for myself when I storm off, you graduated before me" I said completely consumed by bitterness "and today you came out before me."

I heard someone gasp. I turned with a fake smile to face everyone, "that's right. I'm gay too and I want to marry Gage, which is why I agreed to come here this weekend."

My father hung his head and rubbed his forehead as if he'd just worked a 20 hour shift. My mother clutched her chest. Gage, Rajah and dammed Mohammad Masood all stood with their jaws on the floor.

"Surprise."

I sighed heavily and took a step forward. "I'm sorry I said it like this-"

"Shut up you disgrace" came my fathers voice breaking the noise in my head "leave. Don't come back until you have your head on straight." 

"Papa, you can't be-"

I saw the stony angry expression on his face. "You're serious?" I asked in disbelief.

"Fine. Let's go Gage" I said turning my back.

"No" my father boomed "I demand you put a stop to this relationship at once. It is nothing but toxic and shameful."

I looked at the faces of my family and they all looked embarrassed to be here.

"If I'm leaving, it's on my terms. Let's go Gage."

Gage silently walked past everyone and to my side. My father still looked stern and angry.

"Bye."