When Will I Hold You? (MxM)

Five

Check out Mr Always Right over on Dreame if you can. Link is in my bio.

I was shivering violently as I sat in the study area of the university's library. But I don't know if that was the fear from what Gage had said to me or the fact that the air conditioner was broken and always on full blast.

But I didn't know where else to go. There was WiFi here at least but I couldn't use it really.

I tried to use the WiFi. I went onto Twitter but then I saw a tweet about love and it made me think of Gage. I went onto Instagram and saw I had likes on a picture I posted, it was one of me and Gage. We were smiling at the amusement park looking very casual, friendly and- not like a couple.

That made me spiral.

Of course I want to be with him. He's the only person I've ever loved really. I've experienced so much with him and we've grown together.

But my parents won't understand that. They won't care that we love each other endlessly. They won't care that we'd willingly give up everything to comfort each other. They will only see two men of different races committing acts of sin.

But now he wants to get married. He wants to get married to me. I never really thought about this. I never thought about our future. I've never had the time to with all this sneaking around.

When the words came from his mouth I bolted.

"Marry me."

He wanted to get married to me- an Indian man with extremely traditional parents who were, FROM INDIA. And he found absolutely no issue or bump in the road we may face. If he did, he was amazing at hiding it and keeping a smile on his face. He's not opening a can of worms. He's opening a can of spectacled Indian cobras with a taste for tea and blood. Otherwise known as The Aunties and Uncles. No one in history has ever won a battle against these vicious reptiles.

I mean, of course there was nothing wrong with two men loving each other. Heck, I'm a man who only loves other men and so is he. There's nothing wrong with two people from different races, countries, background or traditions being in love. That's what we are and it has done nothing but enrich us as people and as a couple.

But that's not how my parents would see it. They're not racists or homophobes or anything... well not obvious racists or homophobes I guess?

My dad generally has the mindset of "if they're not involving me, I don't care." But now, now they were involving him and despite him not caring, he still doesn't understand it.

They'll see him, a half black, half white, gay, atheist, brutish, rebel whose father is a tyrant with a mother that is half insane and they'll immediately- I don't know. They may spontaneously combust or something. Or worse. They may set me on fire.

I know they would never do that but not knowing how they'd react is the worst part. The more I thought about it the more I realised that my fear is the fear of the unknown. I've never had a conversation with my parents about race, religion or sexuality.

I had to explain that to Gage.

Before I could muster the courage to enter the apartment building, I saw Gage coming down the sidewalk. He looked worried, stressed beyond belief, as he looked down at the sidewalk with one hand in his pocket and the other carrying a shopping bag.

"Get anything interesting?" I asked grabbing his attention. His head shot up and his eyes pierced into me.

"A ton of ice cream."

"Can I have some?" I said in a somewhat happy tone.

"Yeah" he said in a monotone then gestured towards the building before walking in with me following him.

"Flavour?"

"French vanilla, chocolate chip, caramel and honeycomb."

"You hate all of those-"

"Yeah but you love them."

The lift was silent. I hated it more than I could ever tell anyone. We're not these people who make silence awkward. We smile like idiots at each other in silence. We make faces at one another... then we make nonsense noises at each other as if having a conversation.

"Why'd you get ice cream?" I asked trying to break the silence.

"Cosmo magazine said it helps to eat your feelings. You know, especially after the only love you've ever had and ever will have runs away from you after you propose" he said casually before walking out of the lift.

I really wanted to fight with him, I wanted to argue and scold him for his words but that's exactly what I did so what was I supposed to say?

When we walked into our apartment he went to sit on our new bed with two spoons, all the ice cream and began to pet a kitten before motioning for me to lock the door then pointing a spoon at me. I followed his silent command and joined him in eating and petting a kitten. It felt so weird being here with furniture.

"That's Chicken" he said pointing at the little black and white cat that was purring as I rubbed its little head.

"How'd you come up with that name?"

"I figured because people would guess you'd name a black and white cat Cow I should throw them off with the name Chicken" he said with a small smile looking at me shyly.

"I can't marry you."

He stayed smiling, "I know. You love me, you care about me, you want to spend the rest of your life with me and you don't want to hide forever but you just can't marry me."

I sucked in my breath and stabbed my spoon into the tub of ice cream. "You're being really mean" I whined making him quirk up an eyebrow. "I mean you're being really considerate and I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with that."

"Look, I don't know how my parents are going to take this. I'm really scared."

"You'll have me to hold your hand" he said reassuringly placing a hand on my cheek.

"You're hurting me" I whispered pulling away.

"I love you-"

"You're hand is cold you idiot" I joked smiling at him making him roll his eyes. "Maybe we can try and just come out to them first?"

"We'll go as slow or as fast as you want. So long as I know I get you at the end of all of this."