What would you do if your pride gets shattered by the one you love?
What would you say when you've got no sense of decency left?
How would you still stand and bear that tinge of pain, when you can't even have a bit of pride for yourself?
I grew up hardly having an inch of pride: in what I do, and in what I am. I've never been proud of myself, of what I could do, and of how I think, which is unnatural for those of my age. When normal people make mistakes, they are corrected and forgiven. When I make mistakes, I am left to stand on my own two feet and let time heal my wounds. When normal people have achievements, they are praised and rewarded by their loved ones. When I have successes, I secretly smile in my small happy world. When normal people reach this certain goal they have been working hard on, they go a step higher than what they used to be before; they achieve a certain pride in themselves that they have withstood the challenge and came out stonger than before. When I reach a certain goal, I eat to rejoice, and the next day it's back to zero.
Should I say I still feel hurt when someone discriminates me, or takes me for granted. Heck no, that's so normal for me. Do I get offended if I'm not credited for what I do? Not anymore, to be offended is useless when nothing feels real. Am I upset, disappointed, or depressed that no one recognizes me for what I do? No, for I've been used to the pain of being worthless and ignored.
Is there any shard of pride left in me? None at all. For all my life I've struggled so hard to be my best, just to get your favor and praise, but you never looked at me with acknowledgement. You've never been proud of me. You've never been happy for me. All you know is how I should be to you, how should I serve you, how should I make you happy.
Do I still feel alive? I've already accepted the fact that even my life is bound to you.
But why couldn't you spare my spirit. That's the only thing left for me, but why did you have to take it away.
Even mere breathing has become painful.
I cannot find the courage enough to exhale and let myself be free from all this.
I just wonder, how long will I last in this life?
~
October 19, 2014
11:39pm
