Inner Struggle~

Bakugo_Bakustop

Submitted by bakugo_bakustop

It took time for me to decide if I wanted to write my story or a story completely out of the blue--at the end, I felt like if I wrote my own narrative, it would be plenty biased and you won't be able to see what I have also done because my brain has that forces me to forget the bad things I did until I look back. Then I forget again. But, I decided to completely throw the cons out of the window and write a story that is kind of like a narrative, but it's like a Ted-Ed talk.

This is optional, but when you read this, consider how you will feel if you were in that situation. How painful it would be. How losing your sanity must feel. The reason I'm saying this is because I don't want this to be a sob story where the people blame me for the errors I committed and why I didn't fix things. Where they can just feel pity for them and forget it, later on, thinking it's one of millions of stories partially talking about their lives. I rewrote this so many times to make it remotely good.

I'm writing this because I would like you, readers, to have a new view of people and comprehend their pasts and mistakes--accepting them.

When I was eleven, my life completely changed--it wasn't the optimistic, energetic, naive girl anymore. I twisted into a pessimistic, dark, depressed and serious person. The old me still exists with me, though it is buried deep inside my heart, and usually I don't dig deep enough to get that cheerfulness back. I started to warp into something similar to a sadist--I loved to imagine violence to people that brought me much suffering and pain.

I started to cut myself on the smoothest skin on my body, also comparing between which knives are more sharper. When I first tried it, it hurt. A lot. But the more I did it, I thought I took out my anger and sadness onto these scars. I still have many scars today. I was isolated. I was left out. I was called names. I was teased. People did things purposefully to either trigger my anger or to make me upset. They called me out for every single thing I said or did.

No birthday parties.

No playdates.

No presents.

No hangouts.

None.

I was often dehydrated for crying for days on end. My mother is a person who doesn't like people who cry instead of directly saying why they are upset. Therefore, I got the short end of the stick between my sister, who was the type of person who my mom had favor for. My dad was very sweet to me, but to be honest, I thought for a long time that he always favored me over my sister.

And I didn't like that.

I didn't notice what kind of treatment my dad gave to me and my older sister, but thanks to the mistreatment I have received from the first year of middle school, my anxiety and my paranoia skyrocketed. He always kissed me and gave me head pats while he didn't give much notice to my sister.

I wanted less recognition from my dad, and more recognition to my mom, since I rarely saw my mom smile because of me. I don't think I ever made my mom laugh because of me yet she bursts out laughing with people she knew personally from church.

The amount my self-esteem dropped was lower than the amount my anxiety and paranoia raised combined. I was fully aware that I was overweight for about six to seven years, but it swerved for the worse when I finished sixth grade. I weighed about 58 kg when I ended sixth grade, but the past five weeks, I have gained 10 kg from extreme stress eating. I have a doctor's appointment less than 48 hours away, and I only dropped one kilogram. The weight scale crushed my self-confidence so much to the point I go into severe panic when I have to stand in front of a crowd for more than thirty seconds. I can't approach people. I can't even go outside without hesitating if there is a single person within my vision.

Not only that, I rapidly increased my expectations for grades because of my sister, who got accepted to the second best specialized high school in my area which has a population of 20 million. She got three awards, got into the volleyball team as the setter, and had a huge overall success in her middle school years. I wanted to achieve higher than she did, so I pushed myself to go to prep for three to four years straight with no breaks out of my own accord. I was learning geometry when I was ten, and took my first high school entrance exam at the age of eleven.

I ended with a 97.2 GPA in sixth grade, and was one of the few top students who got accepted into the Honors Course (Gifted and Talented; G&T). But I lost my sanity, social life, happiness, and my hope. I binge-ate, forced myself to throw up, binge-watched anime and music, sub-consciously hoping this will be my happiness.

It was empty happiness. Like fast-food. It keeps you full for a little bit, but it makes you sleepy and hungry again a short while later. Then you keep eating until you become unhealthy.

I had an unhealthy obsession to make myself happy with things I know I can do by myself. My mom refused to take me to a therapist, saying there were driving problems. This was driving me crazy.

To this day, I still feel depressed.

To this day, I still have anxiety.

To this day, I am on the borderline of being obese.

To this day, I have unhealthy obsessions.

But it is okay. This story I told you today wasn't even the full story. All of this happened within one year of my life I was eleven.

But, all of us aren't perfect. We're human. And I accepted that.