hidden | ethma

twenty two

i sit in my living room, eating dinner and watching TV. it's sunday night, and i haven't talked to aaron or ethan since saturday morning. i met perla for coffee this morning, and we walked around pioneer square in downtown portland for awhile. i'm glad i have a friend like perla.

i need to make amends with aaron, but i don't know when i'm going to be able to do that. i've tried calling him twice, but i got voicemail both times.

i'm angry with ethan. he was so rude to me yesterday morning, when the night before we were laughing like idiots over tea at three a.m.

i like ethan when he's open like that, it makes me want to know him better and possibly become friends. it seems whenever i think he's actually a decent person, he proves that he's nothing but a jerk.

i've been slightly wary going out alone the past couple days, even though i know i shouldn't be. the two guys that stopped me on the street on friday still haunt me, but my curiosity burns inside of me like a raging wildfire. who were they? what does ethan have to do with them? why were they after me? what did ethan mean when he said he was an "accountant"?

i try to escape from the thousands of questions that pester me, but it's useless. i know if i follow ethan after work again, someone will see and i'll get us both in trouble. if only there was an easier way...

i stop chewing my food. ethan found out a lot about me from my file. maybe if i can get ahold of his file, i can get some answers. maybe not about the two guys and the numbers, but maybe about his background.

no, that's insane. am i really that desperate for information i would consider sneaking into crystal's office for ethan's file?

apparently so.

the idea sparks inside of me like a firework. tomorrow at work i need an excuse to go to crystal's office and look through his file without being caught. how will i be able to do that?

i've never been very stealthy, and i don't break the rules very often. but i know if i don't get answers soon, i'll explode.

i clean my dishes and text aaron, asking if he wants to come over. i know he probably won't text back, but i decide that i don't care. if he doesn't want to try to fix this relationship, then so be it.

surprisingly, i get a text back telling me he'll be here in ten minutes. i quickly buzz around the apartment, cleaning and organizing it. i can't say i'm not nervous. what if aaron dumps me? i shouldn't care if he dumps me. and yet, somehow i do.

there's a knock at the door and i swing it open. aaron shakes rain from his hair and walks inside, sticking his hands into his pockets.

"it's brutal out there," he comments.

i nod as he takes off his jacket, draping it over the couch.

"can i get you something?" i ask. "water? coffee?"

"no, it's fine."

i nod and lean against the back of the couch.

"so..." he starts.

"i'm really sorry," i rush out. "i don't know what came over me and i don't want this to be the end of us."

aaron sighs and looks out the window. we've never really fought before; this is new to both of us. we're used to everything going smoothly-up until recently, anyway.

"i don't want it to be the end, either," he says and i breathe a sigh of relief. "i guess i was just shocked i found you at ethan's place when you said you hated him."

"i do," i say, trying to convince myself, too. "he was just doing me a favor."

aaron nods. "all right," he says and i wrap my arms around him, nuzzling my face into his chest.

i'm so glad we didn't part ways. even if aaron and i have our differences, he gives me a sense of security that i like.

"i just... aaron, i think you need to think more of me," i say, looking up at him. "i don't think you care about me as much as i care about you."

"i'm sorry, you're right, emma," he says, nodding.

"can you pick me up from work tomorrow?" i ask him.

i know i must seem like an idiot for asking him, but i should give him a chance to redeem himself, at least.

"yes," he says. "i promise."

aaron kisses me and tells me he has to run, he's on call. i try not to appear disappointed as i bid him goodbye. he has an important job to attend to, and i shouldn't complain.

i sit back on the couch. i pay little attention to the TV as i mull over my thoughts. am i really going to try to get to ethan's file tomorrow? the thought sends excitement and fear through me. will i be able to do it? should i?

i go to sleep with traces of ethan's laugh lingering in my mind.