The Legend of Lylie

TLOL

Sup dumplings, (don't be scared because we're not not crazy-ish zombie freaks with Ebola).

Welcome! Willkommen! Välkommen! Huānying! Salut! Failte! Benvenuto! Kargei! Oideyasu! Velkommen! Chào Mùng! (This obviously didn't involve Google Translate at all.)

So, for those who are confused as to what this book is about, THIS IS AN ACCOUNT SHARED BETWEEN ME (Kylie <3) AND MY HELLA AWESOME BESTIE (Louise J) EXCEPT MY LAST NAME DOES NOT START WITH J!

Louise J? Really Louise?! May I add that you're the one who put it, Kylie. I DID NOT. YES YOU DID. NO I DIDNT. YES YOU DID. NO. YES. NO. YES. NO! YES! NOOOOOO! YEEEEEEEEEEES! Shut up. Okay.

Our 'solo' accounts are:

Steviliciousness_ (me)

And

Louizee_ (Louise, without a J, duh.)

This book is gonna be a lot like my other book on my normal account, 'Weird Random and Crazy Me.'

So basically we write about random and slightly entertaining things that happen in our slightly un-entertaining lives.

So I put together a little questionnaire that both Louise and I will complete so you guys will know a little about what the hell goes on in our messed up minds... (OUR messed up minds?!) yas.

Favourite Colour?

Kylie: Red. YES, I WILL PROBABLY TURN OUT TO BE A KILLER. MAYBE I ALREADY AM MWAHAHAHAHA. *cough, splutter, cough, choke, die.* I'm just kidding....

Louise: I like green because it's the colour of Sprite bottles. And also blue because it's the colour that people turn when *cough* Kylie *cough* chokes them because she is a serial killer. (PSSSSSTTT! You didn't hear that from me.) And also yellow because YOLO! DONT SAY YOLO SAY EBOLO! Umm... What's EBOLO?!

Species?

Kylie: Starfish disguised as human.

Louise: Apparently I am a falcon turkey/turtle of some sort, yet I don't see it. Kylie probably brainwashed me with her magical starfish powers while I was sleeping.

YAS.

Favourite Ice Cream Flavour?

Kylie: Choc Mint, I only said rocky road because I had no idea what to say! (inside joke, dw)

Shame on you! WHAT!? CHOC MINT IS DA BOMB DIGGITY, NO I WAS TALKING ABOUT TELLING ME THAT YOUR FAVOURITE FLAVOUR WAS ROCKY ROAD AND NOW THAT I KNOW THAT THAT ISNT TRUE I HAVE REALISED THAT THE PAST MONTH OR SO OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN A BIG FAT LIE! lol.

Louise: vanilla is the best ice-cream flavour, AND I DONT CARE WHAT ANYBODY THINKS ABOUT THAT. And am I the only one here who likes coconut on their ice-cream? Someone should try it because it's good.

Paper towels or hand-dryers?

Kylie: PAPER TOWELS ALL THE WAY THEY'RE AMAZAYN.

Louise: believe it or not, but I was scared of hand-dryers when I was little. Now I just think they're annoying. I mean, some people just don't like loud noises when they're going about their business.

Siblings?

Kylie: An extremely weird, 19 year old brother who still lives at home called Ryan.

Louise: yes, I have many of them. First of all, there is my older brother Ryan. We don't really speak to each other. I mean, yes, he occasionally shouts at me to get off my lazy ass and feed the dog. And yes, I occasionally shout at him to get off his lazy ass and feed the dog. And I remember once that I called him a mama's boy, but that's pretty much it. Next, there's my younger sister Hannah. She talks too much. She is obsessed with squirrels. And I tell her all the time that squirrels are ugly little rodents who kill each other but she doesn't care. And last of all is Max. He's the dog, and while we're not technically related, he's my brother from another mother. For some reason, he's very sensitive about his tail and I've told him many times that it looks great on him but all he does it whack me with it. Me thinks he's a little sensitive and dramatic. Now I'm imagining him doing musical theatre. You know what? I would LOVE to see a dog's interpretation of 'Cats'.

NOTE: WE DO NOT HAVE THE SAME BROTHER!

Uhhhh

How do you want to die?

Kylie: I would like to die by clicking on a pop-up ad thingy that says: Die for Free! And then die...SIMPLE.

Louise: well... Most people either want to get a bullet in the brain because it's painless or die of old age. I wanted to die of old age... Until I realised that maybe all the movies are wrong. You see, in the movies you see old people on their deathbeds and they're about halfway through an important sentence when they just stop breathing, and close their eyes peacefully (yes, I am thinking of Shrek 3.) But in reality, if your heart stopped and you wouldn't be able to breathe, wouldn't the obvious thing to do is choke? And then you scream out "AAAAAARGGGGGHHH I CANT BREATHE AND MY HEART STOPPED AND I AM ABOUT TO DIE PLEASE SOMEONE KILL ME NOW!" And then you die.

You know, people have survived getting shot in the brain? Now you're just making stuff up! IT IS TRUE BECAUSE THE BULLET WAS SLOWED DOWN, INBEDDED OR STOPPED BY THE SKULL IT'S TRUE COZ MY MUM SAID SO. PERFECTLY LEGIT REASON. SO YOURE TELLING ME THAT GRAVITY OR SOMETHING SLOWED DOWN A BULLET?!?!?!?!?!?!?! THE SKULL DID. COS' THAT MAKES SENSE! YAS.

In conclusion, I would have to say that I would like unicorns to sing me to permanent sleep because it sounds peaceful.

I saw this in a picture and I thought I'd use it now:

You can change the way ANYTHING IS SAID OR SPELT, e.g, soda to soft drink, color to colour etc

BUT

Guns are now called 'rooty-tooty-point-and-shooties.'

Would you do it? If so, which word would you change?

Kylie: YES, Police would be like: EVERYBODY GET DOWN! HE'S GOT A ROOTY-TOOTY-POINT-AND-SHOOTY!

And the word I would change would probably beeeeeee.....Mom to Mum. I hate it when Americans spell it 'mom' when they don't even SAY mom, they say mum!!!!!!!!!! Why dont they just spell it like 'mum'!?!?!?!?!?

Louise: first of all, I would like to point out that if a policeman said "EVERYBODY GET DOWN! HE'S GOT A ROOTY-TOOTY-POINT-AND-SHOOTY!" Everyone would be rolling on the floor laughing or screaming "WTF?!"

Second of all, Americans don't exactly say 'mum'. I reckon that they say it kind of in between 'mom' and 'mum' and it can't really be spelt. That's how mainstream American accents really are!

Well then they should say MUM because yolo and they dont say mom, they say moum. or mwum or morm not mom. Kylie, the moment has passed... I'M JUST SPEAKING THE TRUTH! BUT THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE TO DO IT. AND NOW IS THE TIME. TO STOP. NO TO STATE THE TRUTH. SOMEWHERE ELSE.

I would change lots of words like 'metre' and 'colour' and 'favour' and 'centre' and all those types of words so that everyone spelt them the same way because American autocorrect pisses me off. Just writing that sentence made me want to scream and pull out all of my hair and bash my bald head repeatedly into the ceiling by jumping on the bed and twisting both my ankles three and a half times each.

I would like to see that.

-_- such a supportive best friend.

You love me.

Favourite food?

Kylie: Anything my parents cook because EBOLO!

Louise: chicken. And pasta. And prawns. And capsicum. And mayonnaise. And chocolate. And ice-cream. And mashed potato. Don't judge me.

So, I guess this is the end, my friends, but fear not, there will be more. If anyone has any other questions for us, drop a comment and we'll get back to you ASAP. Unless this story either gets Ebola, or this book gets millions of reads and comments and we become more famous than my grandma's fish, you might know him, his name is Michael Jackson.
He died.
Fare thy well my little dumplings.