Clouded Fears

Three - Appologies

DATE: TUESDAY

TIME: 7:55AM

It had been a week. A long, hard week.

I stood outside the school gates waiting impatiently for them to open. The weather matched my thoughts: wet, cold and miserable.

Dad stood beside me. His eyes were dull and grey. He was watching the rain fall on the puddles, creating ripples.

"Are you sure you want to go back Lila?" He asked without looking at me. "You can stay at home. The school doesn't mind."

I shook my head violently. "No I want to go. It will help me take my mind off things."

He nodded slowly.

A group of kids were coming. They were shouting and laughing. I recognised Emma and Lucy, two of my friends, within the crowd. I tried to wave, but they didn't seem to notice me. I sighed.

"Are you sure you're OK Lila?" Dad asked again.

"Yeah." I mumbled.

"OK then." He squeezed my hand. "I'll meet you after school then." He turned away and was about to go. Then he said, "If you really don't like it you can stay at home tomorrow."

"It's OK Dad." I hugged him quickly as the gates began to open, then I ran inside to escape the cold weather.

TIME: 9:15AM

"OK class." Our maths teacher, Mr Rivers, clapped his hands. "Open up your books."

We all opened up our red exercise books.

"Today we will be learning about fractions." Mr Rivers announced. I heard a few groans and mumbles. "Here is your starter activity," He began handing out some sheets. "Please complete them within the ten minutes I give you." Once he had finished handing out the sheets he sat down at his desk.

I gazed at the blur of numbers in front of me.

I was sitting next to Emma. I tapped her.

She glanced at me then looked down. "What is it?" She whispered.

"This is so boring." I mumbled.

"Sorry Lila. Really." She looked down at her sheet.

"Why?" I asked.

She just ignored me.

Of course I knew why. I wasn't completely stupid. I wished Emma didn't have to talk about it. Not now. I noticed everyone kept stealing glances at me. Just quick ones, then staring back at their sheets.

A silent tear rolled down my cheek.

Emma looked at me then shuffled away. She mumbled about how sorry she was and she wished she could help. I ignored her completely.

TIME: 10:00AM

At break everyone was apologising or trying to keep away from me. I could tell no one felt comfortably hanging out with me so I sat alone on a bench scanning my planner to see what lesson was next. It was technology.

I loved technology. It was my favourite lesson. I loved designing things and making things and using the things I made. It often felt like the only useful lesson.

Last month I had made a pen. I had used that pen for every single lesson. But the night after Mum died I lost it. I wasn't upset. It seemed like hardly nothing compared to what had happened the night before, but it added to my unhappiness.

I thought I'd be happy, since it was technology, but I just felt sad and alone. We were making board games in technology and up until now it had been really fun. But I didn't feel like making board games now. My board game was called Racing cars. I had made it especially for all of us Me, Dad and Mum. I had designed all the pieces especially for each person with each person's favourite car and favourite colour. I didn't feel like I wanted to continue making my game anymore.

TIME: 10:15AM

So when the bell rang I just sat there. On the bench.

TIME: 10:19AM

When everyone was gone Miss Greenfield found me and took me to the office. She asked me wether I wanted to go home. I said no.

"Oh Lila." She muttered. "You know we are really sorry but you can't sit outside by yourself."

I nodded.

"Why don't you go home?" She asked. "You might feel better if you have a rest."

I looked up at her.

"Alright." I mumbled.

"I'm really sorry about your Mum," She told me.

"Just shut up." I glared at her. "I wish everyone would just shut up about the whole thing and just leave me alone."

She looked at me. She looked kind of shocked. Then she nodded. "I'll go and call your Dad."