THE WHAT IF THEORY | sasukarin

14 : Road to Friendship; Maybe Love Too

"It is always darkest before dawn" was the saying etched in Juugo's head after the end of the war. The darkness had cleared and a new era arrived for Shinobi. So he had assumed that it also meant the same for him, that his darkness had cleared and his sun had finally peaked through the horizon to begin a new life. He had taken everyone else's happiness as if it were his own, not paying heed to the scars that still stung his heart like fresh wounds or the demons that whispered sins to his ear at night. He had truly believed that everything was okay, for the first time in never.

Until the truth had been dumped on his head like ice cold water.

Deep within, there was never a change, a revelation, or redemption. He had never saved the world or found love and peace like most people did after the war. Nothing had changed; he was still the same person as he was all those years ago. A monster of Orichimaru's making.

"Wow, I thought I would be the first to say sorry." Suigetsu scratched his head, caught aback by Juugo's sudden apology. "But why are you apologising for being scared? I just wanted an apology for calling me an uncontrollable baby."

Words can cut sharper than a sword, he realised. For that was the first time Suigetsu had ever seen Juugo look like he was about to cry. Suigetsu's words had a bigger impact on his burly friend than he'd ever imagined. And looking at Juugo's sunken gaze and sadly slouched posture, Suigetsu felt a twinge of guilt at the bottom of his stomach. It was not much, but it was enough to make him bow his head.

"Iㅡit makes sense, you know? Sasuke is the only person who gives you peace, is what you once said. So yeah, it makes sense that you rely on his word a lot, because you'd trust him with your life." Suigetsu started, feeling a bit uncomfortable speaking from his heart. Looking for something to focus on so it did not seem like he cared so much, his twitching fingers played with a kunai brought from his pouch. "Maybe I was just angry with always being ganged up on and Sasuke telling everyone what to do all the time."

The fire dwindled as a small breeze whistled past. Juugo's expression worsened, surprising even himself. He did not know he was capable of such. Of being so...transparent.

Juugo frowned. "You are trying to make excuses for me."

"No, Iㅡ"

"I don't want that anymore. I don't want someone to emphatize with the things I have gone through and use it as an excuse to make my actions look normal. It isn't normal. I'm not normal." Juugo stared at his hands like they did not belong to him. "I get angry easily, and my anger kills everybody around me. Sure, it has been getting better, but sometimes I feel an urge..."

Juugo trailed off, not needing to say anything more. Suigetsu had already understood him, he was sure, and Sachiki did not need to understand him.

Speaking of Sachiki, listening to Juugo had scared her shitless.

Obviously, shinobi were murderers, but only when it was necessary. They killed for the sake of a mission or for the sake of vengeance, not because of anger like Juugo had confessed.

Shinobi were not meant to let menial emotions drive them in battle, and Juugo was the spitting example of how the system had failed. If he killed people simply because got angry then Sachiki wondered how many innocents had died in his hands.

She wanted to think it was a small amount.

But the thought almost seemed laughable.

"I say you grab your shit and fucking run." Heila whispered.

"Okay, if you want to get help, get help." After a long round of silence, Suigetsu spoke up again. "But stop hating yourself. You killed people, so what? I'm from the mist, killing people was like, a requirement to graduate back then."