Aliya of Bahariya

The Light

Consciousness slowly begins to seep back in. I know that I'm awake, but I can't open my eyes or move around. Behind my eyelids, I see red. What I am lying on is hot, and heat is all around me. The image of red-orange flames fills my head.

Everything is hazy, almost dreamy.

That shatters as I suddenly feel as though I've been thrown to the ground. I gasp, my eyes flying open. A pale yet saturated blue encompasses everything I see and the light floods my sensitive eyes; they burn. I squeeze them shut, feeling as though I've been blinded. I try to swallow and choke on a dry throat.

At least I know I'm not in a fire, because fires aren't blue like this.

An immeasurable amount of time passes before I open my eyes again, slowly this time. The same blue is there, deeper right above me and fading to pale around the edges of the sky. I begin to notice how relaxed my body feels, pressing heavily into the surface where I lay. My other senses begin to peak, absorbing how extremely quiet it is, and how very peaceful. As more time passes, my body begins to feel feathery light. A smooth wind slides over my skin, and I'm gently blown away.

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The sun begins to weaken, and the possibility of darkness startles me, which spurs me to try moving around a little bit. I test it first by moving my hands and feet slightly. I push myself up slowly, feeling heavy, until I am propped up on my elbows, and can observe my surroundings. I dig my fingers in the sand and grab a handful, letting it slip through my fingers. 

Sahara. What am I doing in the desert? 

Eventually I find my way to a cross legged position, my weak upper body drooping forward. There are sand dunes in every direction. I'm confused but my thoughts can't go a lot farther than that. Amazing things start happening as the sun lessens further. Beautiful, billowing clouds of color fill the sky, some stretched thin and wispy looking, others thicker and more gathered together. All over the sky the colors and clouds are doing something, changing slowly as time passes, succumbing to dark purple and blue. Once the sun is gone, the air gets cold. It doesn't bother me so much at first, because even though the colors disappeared and the complete, utter darkness scares the life out of me, the sky is filled with stars. I don't know which one awes me more: the darkness and stars or the light and color. 

Throughout the night, the cold seeps into me and touches my bones. I stretched out a while ago when my legs and back started to ache, and stare at the night sky. The composition and number of stars is bewildering; I find shapes and count them.

I fall asleep easily, and wake up constantly. The night is one strange blur of vivid, colorful dreams and cold, restless darkness.

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Like a breath of air after being underwater, the sun rises. 

When light and warmth are fully present, I process what is happening. A shiver goes down my spine with the realization that I don't know what I look like. I don't know my name. I don't know anything about myself, including how I ended up in the middle of the desert. Steeling myself, I stand; my legs weak and my head spinning as blood rushes down. I look to where I have been lying for so many hours, seeing a story in the sand. I start to erase the deep impression with my foot then stop; it can stay there until the wind blows it away.

Everywhere I turn, I see sand and dunes. A sudden hunger comes and reminds me that I have no food with me, or water. If I know how to survive here, I can't remember. A panicked feeling starts to rise inside me, and another shiver goes down my spine when, again, I can't remember who I am. A strange gasping overtakes me, and I brace myself on my knees. I cough and try to suck air into my lungs, my body panicking. I take a shaky breath through my nose and blow it out slowly. I straighten when the episode seems to be over.

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A decision must be made. I survey the horizon, shielding my eyes from the sun. 

Perhaps a good idea is to walk away from the sun so it's not burning my face. I ponder logical moves and come up with nothing except that one. I orient myself that way but hesitate to take a step. Moments pass and still I don't move. I throw up my hands. Why do I hesitate? Every direction seems to lead to sand, and if one leads somewhere else I couldn't possibly know. 

I quickly accept that I have no way of knowing which way to go, and I couldn't possibly rationalize which direction is best. I close my eyes and turn in in a slow circle. I turn and turn until suddenly I stop. I open my eyes and start off in that direction.

Walking in complete ignorance of myself feels silly, as if I'm embarking on a journey with a stranger and fail to ask them their name or even look at their face. So I pause, looking down at my body, feeling curious. I quickly look around to check that I'm alone, which of course I am, before I lift up my dress. I drop it quickly after an examination before anybody can see. Interesting. Definitely a woman. My body seems small, and I'm certainly not old. Pleased with the information, I try to keep it up. 

I feel my head, which is wrapped in cloths. I hastily unwrap them, immediately regretting it because retrospectively they were wrapped quite nicely, and I'm sure I don't know how to redo them. I touch my face and hair, pulling the strands around my shoulders to see the color. Dark brown. I feel the features of my face. Puffy lips, sunken cheeks, prominent cheekbones and a slightly large nose. My eyebrows feel bushy and unkempt. I do a mediocre job of wrapping the cloth. I continuously have to make adjustments as I walk, especially to the part that covers my nose and mouth, because it frequently falls limp. 

The quiet and stillness of the desert resonates with me, feeling very familiar. This comforts me.