American Sweethearts

23

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"I just don't understand," Angus groans. "I wish I could live a normal life, but I feel guilty for thinking that because at least I survived. I watched so many of my friends die, and I should- I should be grateful."

"And are you?" Margaret asks.

"Yeah, I am, but sometimes-," he hesitates. "Sometimes I wish I died then, too."

"And why is that?"

"Because I don't want to deal with this shit. It sucks. I have flashbacks all the time. Whenever I enter a classroom, I make a plan for what to do if a shooter comes it. As soon as I hear the evacuation alarm, I panic."

"That's completely understandable, Angus."

"But I don't want to be this way."

"Of course."

"It just...sucks."

"I think that sometimes too," Shaun says. "I've only experienced a small percentage of what you have, and I feel the same way. I feel guilty about it, but every now and then I think I would've been better off if it was me who was murdered instead of my cousin."

"Me too," I nod. "I feel guilty for wishing I'd died, but I also feel guilty for surviving."

"It's almost like a double-guilt?" Steph asks. "Is that a thing?"

"It certainly can be," Margaret nods.

"That's kind of how it feels," Angus says. "I feel guilty for surviving, and I also feel guilty for wishing I hadn't."

I repeat the words over and over in my mind. That's exactly how it feels. I just couldn't put it into words. But now I can. I need to write that down somewhere and never forget it. A double-guilt. Guilty for surviving, guilty for wishing I hadn't.

"Have you found a way to cope with that feeling?" Margaret asks.

"I kind of just... ignore it," Angus shrugs.

"Completely?"

"Pretty much. I mean, I recognise it's there, but I know it's stupid, so I just ignore it."

"You used the word stupid there. Is that how it feels?"

"Yeah, I guess. It makes sense to feel guilty, but there's nothing I could've done. I couldn't control the situation."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I just-," he struggles to find the words. "It's an unnecessary feeling. I shouldn't feel guilty for surviving because it was out of my control, and not my fault. And I shouldn't feel guilty about wishing I had died, because, well... if I had died in that shooting, I wouldn't have to deal with all this emotional trauma. And it's normal to want to avoid bad feelings, right?"

"Definitely," she nods.

My therapist spoke to me about that, but I didn't want to hear it back then. Now I'm a year older, and I can understand the words. But I'm not sure if I can apply them to my life.

"What if it was your fault?" I ask. "What if you were in control, and the accident happened anyway?"

Margaret purses her lips, thinking of what to say. I almost want to laugh. It's not that easy, is it?

"Then it still isn't your fault," Steph tells me. "Unless you deliberately cause something to happen, it isn't your fault."

I frown, surprised by her words. I consider them for a moment. I need to remember them.