Fire and Freedom - Book One of the Café Latte Trilogy

Chapter Thirty-Three - Jasper

Chapter Thirty-Three – Jasper

I almost couldn't believe I had just said that, but Ross' face confirmed that I had. I'd asked him if he loved me. I could see the panic on his face. A few moments passed in silence, and my heart sank into my stomach. What had I been hoping for? What the hell had I done?

"Ignore that," I said in a rush. "I've had like five glasses of wine today and the gin that Lucie put in our iced teas, I'm a little light-headed."

Ross swallowed, and said, "Jasper, I can't-"

"I know, I know," I quickly interjected, trying not to let the sting of rejection show on my face.

"I can't give you that," he continued, averting his eyes. "I've got so much shit to deal with, so many issues to figure out before I can give that to anyone. Getting back on talking terms with my father was a huge deal, but there's still so much to be worked through."

"I know," I said, and to my horror I heard my voice sound dejected and small. I wanted so badly to just drink my wine and laugh about my grades, but I couldn't. I'd started this. I had to be clear. I had to tell him what I was feeling. I cleared my throat and said, "I... I don't think I can do that. If I keep my key, I'll just keep coming back here. I won't... I won't move on, I'll just keep waiting for you to throw me a line. I'll keep waiting around, hoping you decide to give me more."

For a brief moment, Ross looked heartbroken, and then I saw his eyes harden. I saw the walls come up, and I knew it was over. I knew we were over. In asking if he loved me, I had popped the bubble we were living in. Reality came crashing down, and it drenched us like ice water.

"When did you decide that this wasn't enough?" he asked.

I swallowed. "I don't know. I just know that I need more from you, or... I need to go."

"Right," he said, and then cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Are you going? Like, tonight? I just wasn't expecting it."

I closed my eyes, wishing I had never said anything. I wanted to go back into our bubble, and pretend nothing was changing. I wanted to keep us together somehow, even though we both knew it couldn't last. I wanted him to love me. But the thought of staying here, knowing that there wasn't a chance in hell he'd tell me he loved me back... it made my stomach feel like an empty pit. I opened my eyes and said, "I think it's probably best, yeah."

Ross nodded to himself, and then laughed a little. It came out harsh. "I didn't think I'd be saying goodbye to you so soon."

"I know," I said, and then attempted to explain. "It's not that I don't want to stay; I really do. I want to be with you. I just need... I need someone that loves me. I need someone that can say he loves me."

"You don't have to explain," he said gently, holding up a hand. "I understand."

Every word was like a kick in the stomach. I nodded, trying not to get overly emotional, and said, "Thank you for letting me stay up until now."

"Thank you for staying with me up until now," Ross replied, and asked, "Do you need help packing? I can help."

"I... yes, please," I nodded, and we got up. The decorations in the flat seemed duller now. The wine tasted sour, and I felt sick. It felt like I was clinging to the last few minutes I had with him. Most of my stuff was in bags anyway, stuffed into the closet, still unpacked from moving out of my parents' place. All that needed to be packed was my clothes and a few other things, like my laptop. We packed the bags in silence, and my heart ached to touch him. I needed him.

Ross asked, "Where are you going to go?"

"Tom's," I replied. Jenny and Lucie had made the offer weeks ago, just in case I needed it.