What She Left Behind ✔️

chapter two

A/N: Song for this chapter is "Missing You" by The Vamps. Get your tissues!!

"You look really pretty. I'm glad I forced you to buy that dress," Levi says, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

I try to smile, but my face hurts from crying. For the past five days, all I've done is cry. I haven't gone to work. I've barely slept, barely eaten. At least I know my body can still produce tears properly.

"Today is going to be hard," he goes on, "but I'll be right there next to you. I hardly knew her, but—"

"But nothing," I interrupt him. "Thank you for coming today, Levi. It means a lot to me."

"Of course." He pulls me into his arms. He smells like Armani and aftershave. "Gemma, it would take an army to keep me from that funeral."

"I just... I can't believe she did this." I hug him tighter, thankful for his friendship, for his constant, unwavering support. "It's so selfish, you know?"

He pulls away. "Selfish? I was thinking more along the lines of tragic and devastating and absolutely heartbreaking."

"That, too, obviously," I reply. "Don't you at least thing it's a little selfish, though? I mean, she has a daughter."

"I understand that," he says, "but we don't know what she was going through. When I was in high school, I was super depressed. I was so messed up that I thought about taking my own life all the time."

"Yeah, but you never went through with it. Besides, you had an actual reason to be depressed. You told your parents you were gay, and they threatened to send you to conversion therapy."

"Gemma, people don't need 'reasons' to be depressed. It's not a side effect of some greater tragedy. Sometimes, it is the tragedy."

I shake my head, unable to feel sorry for Raelyn, at least not yet. When she ended her life, she uprooted the rest of ours. None of us—me, my family, her little girl, or anyone else who loved her—will ever be the same again.

"We should go. I don't want to be late," I say, fetching my coat off the rack.

He lets out a sigh. "Gem—"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" I interject. "I just don't get it. I don't see how downing an entire bottle of sleeping pills is the solution to any problem."

He shakes his head. "That's because it's not a solution. At the risk of sounding cliché, suicide is never the answer. Raelyn probably just... didn't know that."

I still don't understand, and I don't think I want to understand. What could have been so bad that she thought killing herself was the only way to stop it?

I guess I'll never know now.

Levi and I drive to the funeral home in silence. It's December, so it's too cold for a properburial—not that it matters, as Raelyn wrote in her will that she wanted to be cremated—but my parents and I agreed that having a formal funeral would be beneficial for everyone.

Other than Evangeline, Raelyn didn't have any family. Her dad abandoned her when she was a baby, her mom lost custody of her because she couldn't stay sober for more than five minutes, and Grandma Harriet died of lung cancer the summer after our high school graduation. My parents used to jokingly call her their fourth child, but considering how upset they were when they heard the news of her passing, and how proactive they've been in taking care of the funeral arrangements, I'm beginning to realize that they truly did love her like she was their own.

Levi parks his bright orange Audi and ushers us inside. We're directed down a long, dimly lit hallway that leads to a chapel. I've never been to church. I know this isn't an actual church, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, if there's some sort of gesture I'm supposed to make. Levi, who was raised by Southern Baptists, just walks right in and takes a seat in the front.