Lucid Dreamcatcher

Phone Call With A Deceased Loved One

Sometimes I dream that my mom is still out there. I hate it when I do because I wake up heartbroken and angry at an innocent person, when I know that it’s impossible to be true. In this last dream, I’m lost in a Wal-mart.. Over sized one- it could possibly be a Sam’s Club.

Anyway, I go in the store and get lost among the many people. When I come out, I walk back to my old car, a 1983 Olds Cutlass Supreme. Elizabeth is in the car waiting for me. I start to dig in the back seat for a piece of paper with my mom’s phone number on it. Liz didn’t know I had gotten a hold of a phone number for her, and neither did I, if that makes sense.

I find the number finally and I ask Liz if I should call it. She didn’t seem to care either way, in fact, she was more interested in eating her sandwich. So I go ahead and dial it. It felt like the phone was ringing forever. I was afraid that I was going to be redirected to an answering machine, or worse yet, be forced to hang up.

Just when I was about to give up, someone answered. It was a female’s voice that I didn’t quite recognize. There was a lot of background noise that only confused me more. My heart skipped a beat in fear of disappointment. All I could think was that this wasn’t my mother. It couldn’t be. Her voice didn’t sound right. The background noise was of little children playing. What was I thinking?

“Hello?”

I heard again. I was brought back to reality. I stumbled trying to say something that sounded at least halfway decent. All that came out of me was

“Mom?”

Tears flooded my eyes, not out of happiness or sadness, but because of all that came out.

“I mean.. Is this Janet?”

Nothing. Oh dear, I knew I shouldn’t have called this number. How stupid am I?

“Yes, this is her.”

My hear skipped another beat as I turned angry. Why would she do this to us? Cause so much heartache. Cause her family to have to change their lives and depend on themselves? Everything we believed in was shattered because of her.

I gulped to brace myself to ask a big question. A question that will never receive an answer that could suffice.

“Why did you leave us?”

And with that, our phone connection was lost. I would never know if she had a legitimate answer for me, or if she even cared. I didn’t call the number again. I didn’t need to. Why? Because I will never know until my end comes. I am left with feelings of violation and despair. Deep down, I know it wasn’t my mother’s choice to live or die. Nobody has that choice. Only God can decide our fate. It may or may not be what we like or want, but there is a legitimate reason why God allowed her to leave this world. It could be for a single reason, or multiple. I put trust in God that He did so in betterment of the family, no matter how sad it may be or how life changing it was. I know that God isn’t out to just be a bully to my family, but to make us stronger in love and in life experience.

For God wouldn’t give us more than we could handle. This is God’s promise to His people. And this is what I tell myself every day. When things don’t go the way I wish them to, or even if they do. I remind myself that none of this is possible without God. If it’s what I call bad luck, then it’s God, making me a stronger person. He is reminding me to be thankful for every second I have to live…