farm boy // joshler

28

tyler's point of view

it's been about a week since the fourth, and josh has been kind of distant lately. he's been doing a lot more art, which means he's been more... in his head. he's not been ignoring me, but he's been quiet.

thinking about it logically, i know he's probably just trying to detach himself a bit in preparation for when i go home.

my brain, however, isn't always logical.

my mind wanders and spirals as i lay in my bed, my eyes welling up with burning tears. three months isn't long, it's not nearly enough time. i feel naive and much like a stereotypical teenager.

i feel stupid for letting myself fall, but it's too late now. i'm already in love with him, and i don't think i'd change it even if i had the option to.

though i know it'll hurt like hell to leave him, i know that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

regardless of my mental turmoil, i wake up the next morning feeling either at peace or simply numb. which of the two i'm truly feeling is unbeknownst to me.

"good morning, tyler." scott greets me warmly when i come downstairs.

josh gives me a small smile, one that doesn't reach his eyes.

i mumble a good morning and then tell the pair that i'm not hungry and i'll start my work early today.

"i'll get the vegetables if you get the fruits." i look to josh and wait for him to nod before i leave the house, letting the screen door close behind me.

i head to the field on my own, my mind so swarmed at this point  that all the thoughts have faded into a buzzing of white noise in my head.

i zone out completely after awhile, my mind blank as i pull weeds and harvest the few crops that are ready.

"are you mad at me?" josh's voice wavers, but it shakes me out of my head nonetheless.

"what?"

"are you mad at me?" his eyebrows are furrowed and his hands are in tightly clenched fists at his sides.

"no," i answer with hesitance, confused by his question. "why would i be? josh, are you okay?"

his face is flushed and his eyes are wide, his hand shaking now. "i-i just..." he's breathing heavily and i'm not sure what to do other than wrap my arms around him and pull him to me in a tight hug.

"hey, shh, it's okay," i do my best to comfort him the way my friends comfort me when i'm anxious, rubbing small circles over his back. "you're okay. i'm not mad at you, j."

"you've been acting weird," he mumbles into my shoulder. "i was scared you like... didn't like me anymore or something."

i don't pull away from him then, but my eyebrows still scrunch up. "what? you're the one acting weird. you've been avoiding me and not really talking."

"i," he pauses like he's going to tell me something but instead hugs me tighter. "i'm sorry, tyler."

i want with everything in me to know what he was about to say, but i don't want to pry or push, so i drop it.

"it's okay." i pull away from our embrace and smile a little. "we're okay."

-

"i wish i could draw." i'm sitting criss cross on the floor of the basement, watching josh paint.

it's an abstract piece, colors are flowing across the canvas, swirling and mixing into beautiful, soft patterns.

"it takes practice," he says, adding a few harsh lines of blue. "but you're better at music than i am. everyone has their area of expertise."

"i guess you're right." i lean back, resting my weight on my palms.

"i'm sorry." he pauses and wipes his hands on his shirt, leaving streaks of paint across the black fabric. "you're probably bored. do you want to do something?"

"no. i like watching you work." i smile up at him and he squats down to come closer to my eye-level.

"i'm going to need some more supplies soon. do you want to go to the store with me after i finish this?"

"i'd love to."

josh goes back to his painting and i go back to watching him.

once he's satisfied with it, we head back upstairs to grab his wallet and keys and tell scott we're leaving.

"be back before dark or whatever i'm supposed to say. don't get into too much trouble." he waves us off without looking up from whatever hes watching.

when josh and i get into the car, he takes the drivers seat and i take me usual place in the passenger.

he turns the radio up a little bit when he starts the car, pulling out of the driveway with ease.

"so, where are we going?" i ask him. "walmart? target? michael's? hobby lobby?" i offer several stores and lean my head back on the headrest.

"walmart is closest," he answers, taking a turn. "everything else is a thirty minute drive or something."

"are we going to stop and get food on the way home?" i ask, already thinking of what i'd like to eat.

"tyler, we ate like an hour ago."

"what's your point?"

-

in walmart, josh holds my hand while we walk.

he leads me to the arts and crafts aisle, humming quietly. i don't recognise the song, but i don't mention it.

we finally find the canvases and paints, and josh looks over every item carefully.

"i've been thinking about trying to work with some of the mini canvases," he tells me, picking a few up.

"aww, they're so cute." i take one from him. each side is only two or three inches long and it makes me smile.

"just like you." he winks and then kisses my cheek, taking the tiny canvas back from me. "i think i'll grab a couple medium canvases and some primary colors. then i'll be ready to go." he turns back to look at the shelves, picking out a few things.

"and then food?"

"fine. and then food."

(an: this chapter isnt very good either but you win some you lose some. how are you?)