I'll Come Back To You

Chapter 5: King of Hell

"This is the dumbest plan yet." Gabriel declared.

"Worth a shot." Castiel retorted.

"Whatever." Lucifer sighed. The three angels glanced at each other and then started yelling, their true angelic voices screaming through the Empty.

"CROWLEY!!!!!" Lucifer shouted.

"KING OF HELL, RISE AGAIN!!!" Gabriel yelled.

"FERGUS MACLEOD, GET OUT HERE!!!" Castiel screamed.

"YO! BORIS!!" Gabriel called.

"LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN, YOUR MASTER'S CALLING!" Lucifer declared.

CROWLEY!!!!" Castiel sang. "GABRIEL SCREWED AROUND WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!"

"Wait what?" Lucifer asked.

"Do not ask." Gabriel pleaded.

"ROWENA?"

"I said don't ask."

"I killed her!"

"Yeah, and I was bored!" 

"That is so gross!!"

"Yeah, it pissed off Sam too."

"Well no duh!"

"Um, guys?" Castiel interrupted. "We were trying to wake Crowley, remember?"

"Cassie, we've got all eternity to do that, but Gabriel fooled around with Rowena??" Lucifer proclaimed.

"Yes, it was just as disturbing as you would think." Cas confirmed. 

"Wait- you saw?"

"Briefly, we all walked into the library. It was awkward..."

"Just a bit," Gabriel grimaced.

"It was also lovely listening to Dean and Sam try to explain that to Jack," Cas went on. "Who is innocent enough that he had no idea what was going on."

"Oh dear Dad." Gabriel covered his face with his hands.

"My son is great," Lucifer declared.

"Too bad you're such a dick all the time." Castiel shot back.

"Dude, I'm SATAN. What do you expect??!"

"Ignoring you now. CROWLEY!!!!"

"Oh Bloody hell," An accented voice grumbled. "Shut UP, feathers."

"There he is." Cas smiled. Crowley rolled his eyes and stopped at the sight of Lucifer.

"Long time, no stabbing." Lucifer commented.

"You had one job, you pathetic Winchesters," Crowley grumbled.

"They did kill Lucifer," Cas explained. "It was two years after you died, but still."

"Why are you here?" Crowley questioned.

"Well, technically, I died the same night you did." Cas offered. "Got brought here, escaped, helped the Winchesters, and then made a deal with the supposed controller of here so that Lucifer's son could live. Unfortunately, that deal required me to sign away my own life."

"Aren't you an idiot." Crowley declared. "Why am I here?"

"Because you're dead." Gabriel supplied.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Fuck you, Watson."

"You're here because we need your help." Castiel offered. "We think we have an idea of how to get back."

"Back?" Crowley echoed. "You mean, back to Earth?"

"Back to being alive." Castiel agreed. "But we need you." Crowley glanced at the trio, his eyes lingering on Lucifer.

"Well naturally, I have some conditions first," The King of hell declared. The angels groaned.

"Demons and their conditions," Lucifer complained.

"What do you want?" Castiel questioned.

"When we get back," Crowley offered. "I want my throne back. Without Satan over here calling the shots. My hell, my rules."

"Done." Lucifer declared. "I was getting bored with it anyways."

"And nobody is going to murder me." Crowley proclaimed. "Immunity."

"Your immunity depends on what you do." Cas warned.

"Oh, Cas. Such a flirt, as always." Cas glared at him. "And I want my old meat suit back."

"Your body?" Cas asked. "But we left it in the Apocalypse World..."

"Mine's there too." Gabriel realized.

"Uh, no, actually." Lucifer admitted. "I dragged them out of there. Well, more like kicked them, but whatever."

"Why would you do that?" Castiel questioned. Satan shrugged.

"Wanted to mess with Crowley's meat suit." The King of Hell scowled at him.

"Any other terms?" Castiel demanded. Crowley smirked.

"I want a basket of muffins, handmade by you, feathers."

"Done. Now will you help us?"

"Certainly."