[VicFuentes] I Want

[VicFuentes] I Want [ChapterTwentyOne]

Author's Note:
It's a tad short. It's late. I'm sorry. Enjoy it anyway! (:

Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, I bite down on my lower lip, placing the mug of coffee back down on the oak wood table in front of me, shrugging my shoulders, anxiety rushing to the pit of my stomach. “I, just, didn’t you ever think that, too?” Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, I shouldn’t have told them, kept it to myself, let it stay a thought that would never blossom into anything but that, but I didn’t, I couldn’t, I needed advice and they’re the only three people who know me inside and out – they want what’s best for me and I'm ready to finally allow myself to attain just that, the best.

“I don’t, you, it could end really badly.” Heath cautions, nodding his head slowly, though his eyes tell me that he regrets saying what he’s said, like he knows that it’s not what I want to hear, but at the same time knowing that it has to be said, that someone has to state the warning. Glancing down at placemat, he sighs heavily, almost upset, and I didn’t want them to be upset, I didn’t want them to feel anything really, which was stupid of me, of course they're going to feel something.

Dragging them into this wasn’t the best idea, but it was the only option I had, considering they have all been on my case, telling me that my behavior is odd, that I need to start telling them what’s going on inside my head. They want to help, I’ve always let them help, yet I kept this from them until now, and now they know why I didn’t say anything, because it’s horrible of me, I'm a terrible person, this isn’t okay, I shouldn’t even be thinking about it anymore but I can’t stop myself from letting my mind imagine what it finally decided it wants.

We were secluded, away from the other four guys, something that was unusual for lunch; we would all go out, the eight of us plus some of the crew members, always generating the most vicious glares from the hostess as she scrambled to get enough tables lined up to seat us. No one really said anything, there’s not much you can say to Paul when he tells you what’s going to happen, there’s no arguing or settling with someone as intimidating as him, even when he doesn’t mean to be.

Clasping my hands together under the table, I inhale deeply through my nose, lifting my shoulders as they slump back down quickly, feeling awful. It’s stupid to even put my thoughts into words, I don’t even know if he likes me back, I don’t even know if my relationship could ever be fixed, I don’t even know how I'm going to justify any of this to myself. “I, I don’t, I hate this. I hate all of it.” Resting my elbows on the table, I drop my face in my hands, groaning softly, my head pounding, my thoughts never slowing down, they’re all the same.

“You can’t help the way you feel.” Connor says softly, shrugging his shoulders, trying to make light of this situation, of what I told them, of what they're now involved in, but I know that he didn’t think light of this, that behind his brotherly voice he’s wishing I would have realized this sooner.

There’s nothing I can do, I can’t act on my feelings, it would be wrong, it would be slutty, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Throughout my entire life, I’ve settled, for second best, for whatever was worse than that, I’ve let my happiness slip away because of how someone would make me feel only once in a while or because I would always fall for the guy that was impossible to have. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t like him, I know better, but my heart doesn’t care what my head says, my heart wants to win for once – it can’t, though.

Opening my mouth to say something, anything, to protest, to agree, to say something, anything, yet I close my lips, pressing them together tightly, not able to form a sentence with words that make sense, that make me seem like less of a bad person. Running a hand through my hair, I feel my lips curve down in a frown, I can’t believe I told them, I can’t believe I said it out loud, because now it’s so much more real, my feelings for Mike are real – if they weren’t, I wouldn’t have said anything.

Draping his arm over my shoulders, Heath tugs my body into his, as I rest my head on his shoulder he bites down on his lower lip. “You know that there’s no reason for two people to be in a relationship with each other when they love other people.” He said it, he said it aloud, he made it real, Vic doesn’t love me, not like he loves Cara, he could never love me the way he loves her, it’s just not possible, and I'm just the rebound that can’t seem to get his mind off of her.

“I wasn’t the only one who noticed it?” They all look at me as my voice cracks, but they aren’t shocked that I'm upset about it. He told me he loved me, told me that I was the only one for him, told me that I was special; he made me feel loved, made me feel like I was in a good relationship for once, that I found the right guy. It all fell apart, it would have fallen apart either way, as soon as she stepped back into the picture, better sooner than later my mother told me, but I’d rather never.

It isn’t his fault, I would never place all the blame on him, only most of it, I’ve been led on, I’ve been dragged along for the ride, I've never been able to see the love my boyfriend has for his ex-girlfriend. Our timing is off, it will never be right, I let my guard down when I shouldn’t have, I let his compliments get to my head and control my actions. Guys have played me, I’ve unknowingly been the rebound, I’ve dealt with the friends who think they should have my role in the guy’s life, but I’ve never been in a relationship knowing that the guy doesn’t love me, that he loves someone else.

Connor swallows hard, most likely a lump in his throat, and he punches the table, his hand causing the plates to shake on the table. Looking up at him with wide eyes, I watch as he shakes his head, and it makes me feel even worse, because now he’s angry, he’s upset. “If we weren’t touring with this kid, I would probably beat his face in.” Shrugging his shoulders, tilting his head to the side, as if to say ‘whatever,’ he leans his back against the seat of the booth.

“Guys, seriously, I don’t know what to do.” I don’t know what to do about Vic. I don’t know what to do about my plummeting self-esteem. I don’t know what to do about my feelings. I don’t know what to do about Mike. I'm not ready to jump into something, not knowing where I'm going to land, if I'm going to land on my two feet, whose going to catch me, but the look on their faces tell me that I have to.

I have to suck it up.

I have to throw away all the things that don’t make me happy.