A Life Wasted

The Art of War

On June 18th I used a freshly purchased laptop to log onto the Internet to check a blog devoted to my endeavors. I had seen it months before but hadn't checked it since then as I figured the FBI would be monitoring it for my presences. But I was curious and took the chance to check the blog. To log on to the site I used the high-speed access jack at a luxury hotel's business center. Most of the early posts had been cheering me on after my escape, but now everyone asked the same question: Where was I now, and why wasn't I doing anything for the cause? There were several posts that suggested I had died, or that I had left the country and even one that promoted the idea that I was on a South American beach enjoying myself.

I shouldn't have paid this any attention, but arrogance over ruled good judgment. I didn't like the idea that people who had once cheered me on were now wondering if I had given up. This bothered me a great deal because it hit far too close to home. I hadn't given up on the cause, but I hadn't done anything for it either. In my mind I was still actively fighting against abortion, but not being able to hurt anyone pretty much neutered me. I had already decided on a different tact, but hadn't done anything in this direction yet. I had been working on this thought for the past week, but after reading that my supporters were losing faith in me I decided now was the time to try the new tactic.

During the previous weeks I had read the ancient classic "The Art of War." In "The Art of War," the famed Chinese general promoted the art of deception in warfare. He promoted lying and giving false information. I might not be able to harm anyone but deception I could do. Deception was a strategy I could embrace.

I wrote the threat letter on my laptop while driving down the interstate. I started the letter by telling a few things only I would know about the escape and the story about the two tracking dogs that had found me the day after. These were details that would only be known by investigators or myself, so this would prove I wrote the letter.

I let my supporters know I was okay and explained I was still in the country, not on a beach in South American. After these brief pleasantries I got nasty and made specific threats against clinic personal. It was a long and ugly letter. Excerpts of it were carried in nearly every newspaper in the country. They said the threat was unprecedented in its effect on those that it threatened. There were reports of people afraid to go to work and afraid to stay at home. There were reports of many people quitting their jobs due to my threat.

I am purposely not reprinting the threat letter here because I don't want to restate things I no longer believe. I will say that everything in the letter was a lie. It was all out of the pages of "The Art of War." It was all a deception. It was all a lie. I didn't have any list. Didn't have anyone's home address or car description, and I had never followed anyone home. Though every word was a lie, and though it seemed to me to be an obvious deception, that is not how it was received.

I didn't understand this until I read my own letter. I had no idea that it was so visceral. Nor did I expect it to have such an impact. Of course, given my state of mind at the time I was pleased with the results. Yet I was shocked at my own words when I read the letter. Looking back on it today it is easy to see that I was disturbed.

The next day, June 19th, after reading the newspaper accounts of the impact of my letter from around the country I saw the threat letter as my first success. This success emboldened me. I wasn't able to kill anyone, nor harm anyone, nor was I able to destroy a building out of concern that someone would be injured. But I could deceive.