Suicide Saved Me

Chapter 4

I heard leaves rustling and looked up as the wind tickled the trees. Being alone in the park after having had her presence there was suddenly… boring. Pointless, even.

I turned back the way I’d come and pushed my hands into the pockets of my jeans again. I walked home quickly, shivering all the way to the front door. The lights in the living room were on; I could see them through the curtained windows which were lit yellow.

Damn it. My mom had woken up without me there.

I stepped into the warm air of the house and breathed out in relief as the heat sent one last shiver up my spine. It felt like a blanket had been put around my shoulders. It reminded me of one Christmas years ago, when my mother and I had visited my dad in New York. We had spent half of the night jumping into the snow and then running into a hot tub. The sudden changes in temperature were thrilling and I momentarily wished to travel back in time, perhaps for the sole purpose of seeing my father again.

“Carter?” Loud footsteps echoed throughout the house as she quickly descended the staircase, her eyes on my face. “Where were you?” Tears began flowing down her face almost immediately. “I thought you’d gone to your room, but you weren’t there.” She came toward me. The look on her face; the devastated expression she was wearing….

The girl’s voice from earlier rang in my mind:

Your family? They’d be crushed if you died.

I suddenly thought that maybe there was a chance she’d been right. Maybe my mother’s face was enough evidence.

“Mom…” I tried to find the right words to say.

She reached the last step of the staircase and ran up to me. I almost screamed from the pain when she wrapped her arms around me. She noticed my reaction and pulled away instantly.

“Oh, no!” She clapped a hand to her mouth and cautiously took a step back. “Carter, I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, trying to make her less worried and miserable. “No, mom, it’s fine. I’m sorry. I should have told you where I was.”

“Come sit down.” She tried to lead me to the living room, but she didn’t want to touch me. So she held her hand an inch away from my arm and stared at it hesitantly.

“Mom,” I said. “I can walk on my own. I got punched a few times, so what? I didn’t die or anything. I’ll be fine.”

She shook her head, another tear escaping her eye for some reason. She looked me in the eyes like I had died. We stared for a while, and then I said something neither of us was expecting.

“I love you, mom.”

She blinked in surprise. To be honest, I think I did too. I hadn’t said those three words to her ever since… well, probably the third grade. I guess I’d always been obsessed with my many “best” friends, or with getting the most over-priced, coolest gifts from my father, or with playing the newest video games I owned, that I’d never had time to think about my family.

I’d never cared much about, not only my feelings, but how others felt as well. Not my father, my mother, or any of the girls I’d used throughout my high school years. And as much as I hated Ethan at the moment, it made me feel terrible that I’d never asked him how he’d felt about things either.

Caring about those who loved me? I’d never done that. I’d spent my life worried about making others like me, but I’d never given thought to all the people who already did.

I was a sick human being and I hated myself.

My mother blinked again. “I love you too, Carter.”