Calling my Angel.

Part 9- My time is up.

I saw my mum for the first time in ages this morning. 

As soon as she saw my thin, frail body, she burst into tears. She was worried about me, I was worried about myself. But I wasn't eating if you weren't. Now that would be unfair.

The boys call me stupid for not eating, they force food down my throat but as soon as they leave I try to puke it up again. 

My mum hates what's happened to me, she hates how much I'm torn up. But she doesn't hate you for it, that would be so mean of her!

I saw you last night again, Nath. I'm almost forgetting what you look!

I can look at pictures but they don't smile, laugh or blink. Pictures are just captured memories, only memories. But soon my memories will fade and all I will have is the constant reminder that you are dead. And I hate it.

The doctors rushed my mum out of the room stating that I needed rest when really I just couldn't handle her pain and suffering all because of me.

Why am I in hospital? 

I'm sorry Nathan, I went against what you said and I tried to hurt myself. I didn't mean for Tom to find me, but he did.

I just can't face anything anymore. Anything or anyone, and I hate what it's doing to me.

The pain is eating away at me and the guilt I have makes it so much more un-bearable. Nathan, I think my time is nearly up. 

When you left, something changed inside of me. And I'll never be that same person I once once. You know, I feel like I'll never laugh again. 

It's gotten so bad that I don't take things in the wrong way anymore! Max said he had about 600,069 followers on twitter the other day and I didn't laugh. Because to me it just isn't funny anymore.

He said your followers were over millions now, all of ours were shooting up because we have been all over the news. No one even thought to de-activate your account...

Up until we reavealed your death, the managment tweeted off your account things like 'Morrnin', you know the usual things you would tweet.

But yeah, I'm not strong enough for this. But I have tried and you know that, I've tried my hardest to carry on but that makes me weaker.

The nurses say I can leave as soon as I gain a bit of weight but t's not working if I don't want to fucking eat! It's stressing me out being locked in this room alone, it really causes me stress!

This morning, you know what I heard? Tom crying to me.

But this time it wasn't about you. 

I heard him saying my name and crying. And asking why this happened to us. Why you had to leave me like this when you died. He's really starting to question whether there is a god because he sure isn't doing anything for us!

*

I've been let out of hospital Nathan! I'm finally free again.

And right now I'm home, your home. 

Well, I'm in Gloucester. I'm visiting you, can you see me? 

How about we sing a song together? 

I've brought the boys with me, just because I needed to see us all together again.

'So lately, been wondering

Who will be there to take my place

When I'm gone, you'll need love

To light the shadows on your face

If a great wave shall fall

It would fall upon us all

And between the sand and stone

Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would

I'll go wherever you will go

Way up high or down low

I'll go wherever you will go'

Me and the lads sung Wherever you will go to you, did you hear? It's our favourite cover that we have done so far so we wanted you to hear it again.

I swear I heard you join in with us Nath, did you?

After we sang to you, each one of us burst into tears. It's been three months without you. Three months of pain, torture and agony. 

But I've pulled through, I've made it this far.

I just don't think I can go on any longer..

Nathan, when I tell you I love you, I mean it, please don't forget that.

And you know how you told me I'd see you again one day? That day may be closer than ever, because like I keep saying..

Each day is harder and harder. Without you here, and I know you're not coming back, it makes things worse for me because I can never see you again.

I find myself in a dark room all day, just hoping that the silence can take the pain away.

But nothing can take this pain away Nathan, only you. It's always been you who could take away the hole in my chest.

I sat and talked to you for ages but the boys left to visit your mum. That's until I heard a voice behind me. Your sister.

''I miss him too Jay.'' She stated.

''He was always the best big brother to me. I always thought of you a big brother too, you know?'' She carried on.

''He loved you. He really did love you.'' She finished.

I held her in my arms as we cried together over you.

I know you loved me, I love you too Nathan.

I screamed it at the top of my lungs, surely you heard that?!

Nathan, please get me through this last hurdle of my life, I need you.

Me and the lads all went out for dinner, my treat. I wanted them all to know how much I appreciated everything they have done for me up until this day. I wanted to tell them how much I loved them and how amazing they all really are.

Tom, Max and Siva can still be a band, can't they?