Calling my Angel.

Part 8- It's my birthday today, Nath.

Nathan, I never meant those words. 

Please don't think bad of me. Please don't hate me because I don't think I could take it if you did!

I never meant what I said about wanting to forget you. And don't leave me alone because my memories of you are what keep me sane. They keep me going.

I love you, I don't hate you. I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

You have to know that okay, please know it.

I'd never want you to leave, ever. I was angry, upset, hurt. I couldn't take the pain, I can't take it Nath, but I'll get through it for you.

I will go through this torture for you.

*

Happy birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy birthday dear Jay,

Happy Birthday to you.

It's my birthday today Nathan, did you remember?

All the lads came round singing to me and giving me presents. But one person wasn't there. And it was the one person I wanted with me, to hold close.

Did you join in with them singing?

I hope you did because even just singing happy birthday, you all harmonize together perfectly. 

Maybe you could sing to me again with the angels?

You've been there Nathan, I've seen you. 

I see you every night when I close my eyes. Your smile; your laugh; your eyes. It's you, I see you. Nathan, where have you been?

You come into my dreams, if that's what you want to call it.

Guess what we did last night?

We sat cuddled on the couch and watched movies. I made you watch avatar for like the gazillionth time, I love that film.

You know I haven't actually watched that since you know, you left. I normally watch it with you, I don't think I can see it again without you there.

So back to the dream...

We watched avatar and also Marley and me. You cried Nath, even though you pretended you had something in your eye, I knew you were crying really.

Don't worry Nath, I won't make fun of you for crying, I'm crying most days too. It's okay to cry, you know?

The night before, I dreamt we went on holiday and we were walking along the beach. Our hands were entwined together and our smiles reached out across our faces. We were happy.

We could be happy now if you had waited another day. If you had waited another day I wouldn't be writing this entry and I wouldn't have a hole in my chest where my heart once was.

I'm sorry.

Ever so sorry.

After every dream, it's always the same ending. 

You leave me, just like you did before. Without any explanation, you leave me.

But again, just like before. You tell me you love me, you kiss me, you make me feel on top of the world.

But then it all crashed down, you crash it down yourself. You take your love, your kisses and my happiness away. 

Is that what you want to do all the time?

It seems like whilst you're up there, you watch me crash and burn.

There I go again, I'm sorry. It just gets to me, Nathan. And I miss you.

I miss you to the end of the world and back. You have no idea, or do you?

Do you miss me too?

I hope you do. I hope you still love me. I don't think I could go on any more if you didn't love me. You help me. By loving me, you help me carry on.

Thank you.

*

When I got up this morning, I entered the living room to Max sat there reading the newspaper.

''How are you feeling?'' He asked me.

I don't know why I said what I did next. I just don't know what happened. But like I seem to say a lot, it still doesn't feel real to me.

''Where's Nathan?'' I asked him.

The tears started to flow to Max's eyes. And he sat on our couch, bawling his eyes out. I felt so guilty for doing that to him. But he carried on crying. 

''What's wrong?'' I asked him. He looked at me with his sad, red eyes. He explained why he was upset. He was missing you too, Nath.

But the thing that hurt me most was that he told me I was upsetting him. Because of how much I loved you. I couldn't let you go so he blames himself for never talking to you about anything.

Don't blame Max though, it's not his fault.

It's mine.

After we finally stopped crying, all the other boys came. Well Tom and Siva. 

We talked nicely for once instead of it ending in an argument. Probably only because it was my birthday though.

My birthday didn't feel good this year.

There was no you to celebrate it with me.

Remember when we used to have birthday shots? Yeah well when the boys left our flat, I went to the club on my own making sure nobody recognised me. And I bought two shots. One for me and once for you. I had mine and waited for you but you never came.

You never appeared. Even for me, you didn't show up.

My birthday wasn't the same. Do you know why Nathan?

Because my true love wasn't there to be with me.

And I miss that.