In Utero

Back in the Game and Out Again

As we drove back into the city on Monday evening, I was finally able to check the message from the Clinic which was always the same: 

"Good afternoon Kathleen. We have the results back from your blood tests and ultrasound and everything is within normal parametres." 

And then they said, which was new," Your estrogen levels are up a little. We know you are away until Monday, so if you could please come in for cycle monitoring on Tuesday morning that would be good." 

Sigh. Two days away from the Clinic and from the city had done me some good. My bruises were healing pretty well, and I hadn't been on the internet for three days which did my eyes and mind a lot of good. When Drew and I went into town to play tennis, I insisted that we buy a bird feeder to see what kinds of birds would come. Within a few hours, chickadees had found the feeder and we marvelled at how distinct their call is. Drew taught me and my parents how to play bridge and we made tentative plans to practice weekly in the fall. We ate too much, read and swam. And we slept in both days until 9am. 

I did not want to go back to the Clinic. I did not want to start my day that way. As usual Drew drove me to the Clinic and waited for me because he was working from home.

Later that afternoon I received a call from my personal nurse, who is not usually the one who calls me. I can't remember exactly what she said, but basically she said that my follicles were not developing and that was consistent with missing my periods. Which is the reason I had gone to the Clinic in the first place. She said that I didn't have to come back until the follow up appointment, which was already scheduled for a month down. I asked her if nothing had changed, because the last message said that my hormones were up...but she just said, "no, there is no change. Come for your follow up we don't need to monitor any more." 

Eventhough I had hated going to the Clinic in the mornings, these words from my nurse felt at once like I was being released from prison and released from their care. It felt like they were giving up on monitoring me because there was nothing to monitor. But in my head, I kept thinking, "why now? that is so arbitrary. what if my cycle is 35 days, and so things don't 'happen' for a few more days," but I did not say that. 

Drew was home and luckily my phone is shit so the conversation was on speaker phone and he heard the whole thing. Lucky, because I did not want to repeat what was said. He started like he was going to push me onto the bed so I just jumped on and laid down. And he lay beside me with his big arms around me and put his face in my face and asked me questions. Drew always knew when I was upset and mostly he knew how to stay with me in those feelings. I told him that I didn't want to take the drugs, and he said that it was fine. In our new house, we would both have our own offices and we would take marvelous vacations and it would be a great life. Then he suggested we watch Star Trek (which I finally got into watching) and I fell into one of those sleeps that can only be induced through a willful urge to avoid emotions. Like the exhaustion comes in to prevent you from feeling too much.