In Utero

Lately, I've been going to the fertility clinic everyday. They take blood and do ultrasounds and then they call me in the afternoon to tell me when to come in again, which is always the next day.

They are watching my hormones and my ovaries.

My favourite part is the waiting room. You have to get these tests done between 6:15 and 8:30 am and there is a lot of variety in people at this time.  It is a bit like The Handmaid's Tale because there are so many women all waiting to have their viability assessed. Like they say Princess Diana was subjected to before she married. I love the magazines in the waiting room. This week I've been making my way through Wired while I wait which I would probably never read otherwise. I feel it is my duty to read the magazines that are clearly here for men because it is such a gendered space and yet obviously both sexes need to be present. Yet the men's magazines wouldn't get that much traffic …well not these men's magazines. But the other ones, the ones in the cupboard in the little rooms, they get lots of traffic I'm sure. For example, in the information dossier we received (which is a politely non-descript, but healthy blue tone and is discreetly marked with a few inoffensive birds and bird tracks and indicates only HFC instead of Hannam Fertility Clinic) it says: 

In the Collection Room 

- Always wash your hands before and after collecting a specimen.

- Don't use condoms or lubricants, as they will interfere with testing.

- Collect sperm specimens in the sterile containers located in the cupboard above the sink. If a portion of the specimen is lost, the rest should be discarded and collection attempted at a later date.

- Magazines (this is what I was getting at) are located below the television in the wall-mounted rack. 

- Please be sure to lock the door. 

And then: 

Using the television: 

- Push the 'power' button. It will take a couple of seconds to turn on. 

- The television is automatically programmed to a specific station. Please do not adjust the channel. 

- Please do not adjust the volume any higher than 20. 

So I mean, men are here too. And certainly they are there waiting with their wives sometimes, but mostly it is just women here in the mornings. I guess I like the men's magazines because they actually give you something to think about and that is what you need--deep distraction-- whereas the women's magazines sort of make you focus on your body, your clothes, make-up, stuff to buy and somehow all of this related to what is about to happen. Which is nothing. I mean it's all very clean and natural and routine and only a little clinical. Despite complaining to my husband Drew about not wanting to go, I always leave thinking it was actually pretty easy. But that's not on your mind in the waitingroom. All you're thinking is, "we're all waiting here to go into one of these little rooms to drop our pants and get a wand inserted into our pussies." So, I don't make eye contact with anyone when I'm in the waiting room.

I wait to hear my name and I make small talk with the nurse. It's nice that it is always the same nurse and I always remind her that she has to use the small needles because, "my veins" I say, as I wrinkle my nose and shrug my shoulders a little and muddle something about being difficult. It's our routine. Tomorrow, they are going to have to use a vein somewhere else because my arms are pretty bruised up from all the needles and, well, "my veins," (wrinkle nose, shrug a bit). 

Anyway, today I decided to really read the documents in that blue dossier. I've been putting it off because I can only do so much of this at a time. But I read about the likely treatment options between here and IVF. One of them, the one the doctor recommends, is most commonly--in fact only approved for--treatment for breast cancer. She didn't mention that when we spoke in person. Instead she just said, "I like letrozole better because it leads to fewer multiple births." She did not say anything about cancer; she let the tidy blue folder do that talking. The other option is a drug I've read about and it does lead to multiple births and I already know that.