#Obsessed

Chapter Four

 !! WARNING : Self-harming content !!

Do I really need to simply faint in the middle of the street to meet him ? Was it really that simple since the beginning ?? You got to be kidding me... I am just staring at him with a look meaning ".... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ?! " because .... Are you kidding me ?! 

- " Miss ? Are you with me ? " he asks again.

- " I'm fine, sorry " I manage to articulate, trying so hard to play it cool, even if after looking at him without saying anything for five minutes I don't know if it's still possible.

He smiles and I have to do such a big effort not to scream right in front of his face :

- " Let's sit down for a minute, okay ? " He says gently, putting his hand  on my shoulder, guiding me towards a bench... The bench I was sitting on when I was looking for him like a stalker previous hours ago... Once again...  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ? :

- " What happened to you ? 

- Erm... Just an empty stomach, nothing really serious.

- How did you end up not eating anything ?!  " He looks at me  worried. Oh my god, he is worrying about me !!! Okay, how can I answer that ? Oh I was to busy stalking you !

- " I was busy visiting town.

-  Are you with someone else here, someone we could call to come and get you ?

- No, it's just me. This is mainly why I forgot to eat today.

- That's not good to leave you alone then. Where are you staying ? 

- Not far from here, at the small hotel right in the opposite street.

- Right, let me walk you home and buy you something to eat on the way, okay ?

- No, no, don't bother, I'm okay !

- I'm not gonna take any chance, I'm coming with you. Do you feel ready to walk ? "

He stands up, get one hand out of his black elegant coat and offer it to me. I take it, feeling a rush of heat inside my whole body once my skin touches his. His hand is as soft and warm as I imagined it, and I was ready to faint again. My brain could not process what the hell was going on and I just couldn't speak :

- " So, what's your name stranger ? " He asks, smiling, glancing quickly at me.

- " Oh, erm, I'm Sofia. And you ? Well... I mean... I know you but... Fuck... " I mumble

Matthew laughs and let my hand go :

- "  Well, I'm Matt, nice to meet you."

I feel embarassed. Does he think I'm a crazy fan ? Does he think about Elle ? Am I overthinking ? Why am I so bad at reading people ? I should talk, my dream is never going to become true if I don't talk ! The hotel was close to where we were but damn right now it was feeling like the other side of the world. Only the pedestrians around us was killing the silence. I feel so embarassed. I am ready to run like a nutcase just to end this painful experience. 

I finally see the red and green neon lights of the hotel. Only a few steps left and he will be gone forever just like my chance to ever end up marrying him. My heart is racing, I'm getting hotter and hotter but not because of Matt now, I start to have sweaty palms, my mouth is dry and hurts :

- " Here it is. thank you again.

- Wait, you need to get something to eat !

- I will go get something later, was nice seeing you. "

I rush inside the dark and gloomy hall of the hotel and walk quickly through the steps without looking back. I finally reach my room. I am shaking so hard that it's a real pain to put the key into the door's hole. 

I come inside the room, throw my bag and key on the floor. I stay in the dark, the room is beign lighten every two seconds by the neon lights outside. 

- " Fuck ! "

I shoot into my bag, everything fly away from it. I take the clothes from my suitcase and throw them angrily on the floor, my hands are getting rid of everything on the table, the lamp is falling and the lampshade is rolling as the lightbulb explodesinto millions of tiny sharp pieces :

- " You are just a fucking mistake !! " I scream, bursting into tears.

I hit my fist again the wall and open my mouth to scream but no sounds are coming out of it. I let myself fall on the floor with all of my stuff. I try to catch my breath while the salted taste of my tears are skimming my lips. 

I curl myself into a ball, hit full in the face by the sudden silence. I had it, my chance, the unexpected chance ! But I missed it... I fucking blew it...  He was mine, he could have been mine... I was just another fan to him, a poor girl, a poor stupid girl who can't even talk to him even after spending years waiting for him, dreaming of a life with him. I am so disgusted of myself... This was my only chance. He was my reason to live and I have failed...

I crawl on the floor until I can reach my small scissors for my manicure. I open it, take a deep breath and bring the sharp point close to my wrist. Living in my dream or living in the reality, it doesn't matter, it is hard anyway. Let's end both of them right now ! The point is piercing through the skin and blood start to flow. the tears come back as I cut down the flesh. I close my eyes very hard,clenching my teeth. 

I open my eyes and look down on the floor. And I see him glowing from the red and green shades... My favorite picture of him was always in my handbag. and now it was right here, in front of me. 

I mumble between my teeth as the calm comes back into my soul.

- " He's gonna be mine ! "

He has to be mine, it can't be otherwise.