Almost as if I was on auto-pilot, the first thing I did when I woke on Monday morning was weigh myself. I stepped on the cold hard metal box with closed eyes. I slowly open my eyes. 90lbs. I did it. I reached my ultimate goal.
If you can reach 90lbs, you can reach 80lbs.
I get of the scale and hold myself steady against the sink. There’s no reason why I can’t lose more, after all I’m still huge. I’m massive. I look at myself in the mirror. My thigh gap could be an inch bigger I guess, even though no matter how hard I press my knees together they just won’t touch. I haven’t got a flat stomach, it’s concave. I can see all my ribs. I can play them like a xylophone. My bones stick out sharply all over my body. My face looks gaunt and withered, I look ill. My arms, bony, yes, but also covered in scars all the way from my shoulders to my wrists. I’m a mess.
But I want the number on the scale to go down, I can’t go back now. I’m in too deep.
I get ready for school quicker than I ever have before. I ignore my hair coming out in my hands, or how every time I move I feel like collapsing. I go downstairs to the kitchen and see my mum.
“tori, we need to talk,” I sit at the breakfast bar and start to cry.
“I’m a mess mum , I’m in too deep and I can’t swim, I don’t know what to do.”
“we’re going to get you help, I’ve booked an appointment with the doctor, were going to fix this.” I wipe away the tears.
“I’ve messed up, and I’m still not thin enough. I’m still not perfect.”
“tori, you’re too thin, you’re skin and bones, there’s nothing of you.” I look at the clock,
“I’ve got to go mum.” She nods,
“it’s going to be okay Tori, I love you, don’t ever forget that.”
“I love you too mum.” I walk out the house, and down to the bus stop. The dizziness still there but slightly fading. I need to go to school.
I push my way through school with mixed emotions, part of me Is glad and optimistic that I’m going to get help, and that everything is going to be fixed. But the other part of me just wants to lose more and more weight. After all I’m just 90lbs of failure.
At lunch I make my way over to the dance studio. I shouldn’t really be dancing, not in this state, the dizziness and light headedness is coming back, but dancing makes me feel free. I dance for about 20 minutes. 20 minutes of feeling free. But it’s ruined.
Mrs Osborne and Abi walk in. I pick up my bag to leave.
“Tori wait.” Mrs Osborne says,
“what miss?”
“we’re worried, you’re parent’s need to know about this.”
“mum knows” I say back,
“she does?” abi says surprised.
“yes, I’m getting help.”
“Tori, I still need to speak to your mother, you know that, and I doubt you’ve told her about your arms.” I glare at miss and she says that.
“arms?” abi say surprised.
“it’s nothing, miss is making a mountain out of a mole hill.” I can’t fight, I can barely stand, I feel so light headed.
“Tori, are you okay?” miss says suddenly to me.
“just a little light headed that’s all.”
“what have you eaten?” nothing, I haven’t eaten today , I didn’t eat all of the weekend, I don’t think I’ve eaten since last Thursday. “nothing, I knew it. We’re getting you something to eat.”
As clichéd as it sounds, the school bell really did save me.
“miss, I’ve got to go, i ate lunch and I’ll eat a snack on the way over to class.”
“are you sure?”
“I’m certain” Abi leaves but miss stops me once again when I try to leave.
“now Tori, your arms.”
“miss I need to go!”
“your mental health is also important Tori.” Everythings going downhill, I can feel myself getting light headed again. I need to go.
“I’ll come and speak to you at the end of the day, okay? Now I need to go.”
Needless to say, when I walked to 5th lesson, the last lesson of the day, my stomach was aching. Not a single calorie had passed my lips all day. As I climbed the final flight of stairs to my maths classroom on the 3rd floor I could feel my vision starting to blur. I held onto the railings to keep my balance. The corridors were empty, everyone was in their lessons. I’d left the dance studio late. I start to shake uncontrollably, my head starts to throb, my legs can’t hold my weight anymore. I pass out onto the floor.
You know how people talk about having ‘out-of-the-body’ experiences? I’d always been sceptical, until now. I’ll never know if I was just hallucinating or dreaming but as I collapsed onto the floor and my eyes closed I suddenly could see my body lying on the floor. I look down from my perch near the ceiling and watch as my teacher comes rushing out of the classroom, I’m surrounded by people. But still I remain lifeless. I barely move as medical staff come rushing over to me. My dance teacher reaches to check my pulse, her face pales as she sees the cuts and scars up my arm. I would never give her a straight answer about them. She drops my arm and her hand grasps her mouth. She stands up and staggers away, she turns and runs down the stairs. Her eyes classy, leaking droplets as she rushes away. Her breathing staggered. She leaves my sight, that’s the last I ever see of her. Abi kneels next me, she too, is leaking tears. But I feel nothing. My classmates are ushered back to their lessons, and I am removed from the scene. The only sign of me being there is the tiny speck of blood on the floor. I can feel myself slipping from perch in the sky, and suddenly I’m falling. Down…down… nothing … no one to catch me….
AN:
i'm sorry guys! i'm sorry it ended like this but i feel it had to do. i cried as i wrote this last chapter. it saddens me to know that this is how Tori's life ends. Just as she was getting back on track.
Thank you so much for all the support i've recieved from all of you whilst i've been writing this, it's meant so much and i appreciate every read, comment, fan.
You all mean so much to be guys
i'm going to begin to edit this now, all the way from the beginning. There are some bits i'm not happy with but there isn't going to be any drastic changes,
The song linked on the side is courage by superchick, i was listening to it as i wrote this chapter, it fits well so i thought i'd share it with you guys.
Stay Strong
xoxo belle
