For some reason Mrs Osborne didn’t phone my parents, in all fairness all she has to go on is a notice of my weight loss and a friend’s concern. But still I worried that evening as I laid in bed. If miss was to phone my mum, mum would be sure to take me to the doctors, she’s already beginning to notice my weight loss. Any day miss could phone my mum, and I need to be prepared. I need to be thin if I’m going to go to the doctor.
Once you lose those 4lbs, you’ll be perfect. 90lbs of perfection. You can do it, just eat even less.
I already only eat dinner, but I can do without it. I’ll just drink water. And exercise whenever I can. Thank God it’s the weekend tomorrow and I’m volunteering at charity shop.
If you walk to work you’ll burn more calories.
I’ll walk there and back, and I’ll burn calories actually working. If I stay strong I can do this, I can become thin and perfect. Just another 4lbs to go. 4lbs. I dreamt of being thin that night.
I wake up the next morning excited about what’s ahead of me. I go to my bathroom and pull out my scales. 93lbs.
Good girl. Keep up the good work. 3lbs away from perfection.
I keep that thought in my head as I dress for work, I grab a cardigan as even though it’s early August, I’m feeling the cold. I pull on my shoes and finish getting ready. It doesn’t take long, I can’t stand looking in the mirror for longer than a few minutes so I’ve taken to rushing my make-up. I straightened my curly brown hair. Handfuls of hair fall out as I brush it and then pull the straighteners through it. I’m probably just being too rough with my hairbrush. I sway slightly. My vision suddenly going blurry with black spots. I hold on tightly to my dresser and wait for it to pass. I probably just didn’t get enough sleep. My excuses are so stupid I barely believe them myself anymore. I’m past caring. All that’s important is that I reach 90lbs.
I go downstairs, ready to face the day. I see my mother sat at the breakfast table eating some toast.
“hey mum, I thought I’d walk to work this morning so you don’t have to drive me.” I reach into a cupboard and grab a cereal bar.
“Are you sure Tori? I don’t mind driving you”
“Honestly it’s fine, I know you hate driving me around early morning.”
“You’re such a good girl Tori”
“I should probably leave now so I’m on time, I’ll walk back if you want.”
“okay hun, be safe!”
I leave the house, that was easier than I thought it would be. Mum would usually put up a fight, she must be tired. I shove the cereal bar in a bush as I walk. I do not need those calories. I stop off at a shop on my way to work and buy 2 water bottles. I shove them in my satchel and continue walking. The 45 minute walk feels like nothing when I have my earphones in and my stomach growling, reminding me of how strong I am.
I reach the centre of town with 10 minutes to spare. The old Tori would have just gone to work, but instead I walk around the town for 10 minutes, any extra calories burned is a good thing.
I walk into the charity shop and smile at Rachel as she greets me.
“Hi Tori! How are you?” she says that every time I see her, annoying polite person. I stifle a yawn.
“Tired, I just walked here”
“Seriously! But you live next to me, that walk is ages!”
“No Rachel, you’re just lazy.” She laughs, we walk into the store room and I spot another woman.
“oh Tori this is Helen, another volunteer, Helen this is Tori.”
“hi” I say meekly, I quickly go and start the pile of work that has been laid out for me. As weird as it sounds I have actually begun to like It here, I enjoy it, and the fact I’m burning calories is just an added bonus. I absorb myself in the sorting of old clothes into different bags, it’s quite therapeutic.
Just 3 more pounds.
“Do you want something to drink Tori, I’m just going to make tea?” Helen asks me,
“if she says yes i’ll pass out.” Rachel laughs, I raise an eyebrow.
“no thanks helen, I’m fine.” I respond, Helen looks at me confused. Rachel laughs again,
“Tori doesn’t drink or eat here” she explains, that’s true to be honest. I’ve never drank anything here apart from my own water or eaten anything here ever.
“oh no why?” Helen looks horrified, I laugh a little.
“she thinks she’s fat which is stupid, look how tiny she is.” Okay I let it slip once that I know I’m fat. Once. Basically Rachel showed me a skirt that was donated and it was a uk size 6, and she said it would look good on me and I laughed and said im too fat to wear it.
“you’re not fat!” Helen exclaims.
“exactly, there’s nothing of her!” Rachel pokes my waist, “look how tiny you are Tori, in fact you look thinner”
I wince back away from them, I hate it when people touch my fat.
“Tori you’re so tiny” I revel in these words. I’ve wanted to hear her say them ever since I started working here. it sounds obsessive but Rachel is so thin, and I’m competitive. I wanted her to notice I was thin, only I’m not.
“I’m really not.” I say.
“do you eat!” Helen exclaims,
“of course I do.”
“no you don’t” Rachel says, “ and you exercise like crazy, I do see you running past my house you know”
“I like to run, I don’t like to eat. What can I say?” I try and turn it into a joke. Helen sighs and goes off to make tea,
I turn back to my work. But Rachel comes and stands next to me.
“Tori, you’re really not fat you know”
“of course I know”
“I don’t think so, and I think you’ve lost too much weight”
“ I’ve lost a couple of pounds that’s all.”
“you’re too skinny.”
“I’m not, I’m not perfect yet.” I mutter under my breath. But she hears.
“how much do you weigh.”
“I have no idea.”
“the scale doesn’t define you Tori.”
“yes it does” I say with tears beginning to form in my eyes.
