Midnight Sun

Chapter 5

       

"Last year was an amazing year for me in so many ways, but it was also really difficult," Tanner explained. "I hadn't switched my diet because I didn't know that's what was causing my side pain, so I was dealing with that all the time. My anxiety was pretty bad a lot of the time. And more than anything, trying to do daily videos was just way too stressful. I would take breaks thinking it would make it better, but every time, as soon as I came back, the same problems were there. And I made a lot of good videos and a lot of money and got to do so many things I wanted to do, but I was constantly questioning whether it was worth all the stress. And none of that excuses how I treated Dylan, I know, but it did affect my mental state. It's hard to be good for someone else when you're in that kind of state."

"It was the junk food that made him do it," Dylan joked. "I'm good with that excuse."

"He's very forgiving. It's a beautiful part of him, but I've taken advantage of it too many times."

"It's only been a week since we moved in, but I can already tell you guys are one of the happiest couples I know," Mike said. "Whatever happened, it worked out. You've obviously come a long way since then."

"We have. And this was a part of that. The problems we had, they had to get bad enough for me to see what I was doing to realize I needed to change. It had to get bad enough for other people to see it. And even when they did, most people won't stand up to me. Not that I'm blaming anyone else, but that's kinda how it is for someone in my position. Even with my mom, and I'm definitely not blaming her for anything, things changed. I bought our house and paid her salary. And some of my more critical fans could see it, they didn't like it either, but they were right. Fame changed me. I got used to getting what I want."

"That happens."

"And of all the people I had to worry about, no one was ever more eager to please me than Dylan. He was just always there whenever I needed anything from him, and he never asked for anything. He's such a giver. It was so easy to take him for granted. I could neglect him and it was one less thing I had to worry about, so I did."

"I liked making your life easier. Sometimes it seemed like when you were with me was the only time you relaxed."

"It was! And I needed that so much, but I didn't value it, value you. It wasn't always like that. For a long time I at least tried to take your feelings into account some of the time. I'm not sure when I stopped. It wan't when I was with Paris."

"No, things were pretty good between us after those first couple months."

"I remember watching 'HIS FIRST TIME,'" Mike commented, "and noticing that Tanner would ask Dylan every five seconds if you were having a good time. And Dylan was walking around with this huge grin, obviously having a great time in LA. Like he would have been happy if you had taken him to IHOP -"

"I would have!"

"- and this was so much better. But you had no idea and constantly needed to check."

"That's what anxiety will do. And part of that was I felt really guilty that I'd gone on all those trips with Quentin and had never taken Dylan before. He couldn't get permission the first time I asked, and I just assumed it would always be that way. It was way too long before I asked again, and then I was determined to make it the best experience for him. So yeah, that was a good time for us."

"It was," Dylan agreed.

"A few weeks later I broke up with Paris, and I know Dylan was hoping once I got over her that it would be our time. And I kinda went back and forth on that. I'd consider it enough to get his hopes up - we started to get closer in Hawaii - and then push him away, trying to keep things how they were. I'd always been happy with that, or so I thought, although I knew he wanted more. I tried to tell myself it was just physical, but to do that I had to ignore how much he was taking care of me emotionally. And I was pretty messed up. I rented a house in California for a month to see a therapist, and didn't see Dylan at all. And after a few weeks of that, I realized I needed him at least as much as the therapist, so I came home early."