Beginning in the Middle

8/6/12

I think I've given a detailed enough description of my anxiety for most of the readers to understand what it is, but I don't think normal people could ever truly understand just how difficult it is to live with social anxiety.

Today was the first day of school. I don't even know what to say. It wasn't particularly bad or anything, but I just feel really overwhelmed.

The day started off okay. We drove ourselves to school for the first time. Then we went to homeroom, which was short and pretty boring because it's alphabetical, so none of our friends were in there.

So my classes, in no particular order:

Spanish is going to be particularly stressful this year. This is our first real year of IB, so we aren't allowed to be speak English in that class anymore. I've never been very good at Spanish anyway, and after the long break I can't even begin to speak it fluently. I just can't work that quickly. At least I'm not the only one. And I can understand when the teacher speaks it most of the time.

Mathematics is going to be a really difficult class. It's a very advanced math class, and I've never been good at retaining information, which is going to be very bad when we have final exams over the next two years of class. The teacher seems nice enough, but it's too early to judge whether any of the new teachers are any good.

English seems like it's going to be boring and a lot of work. Like always. So many books to read.

History of  the Americas seems like the fun class. We have the stereotypical "fun teacher," who likes class discussions and is all nice and funny. He said that his class will be the highlight of our day. I'm just worried because he said he likes the whole class to participate, and I don't like being part of discussions. Especially with V1 there. I know I won't be able to say anything without being contradicted.

Sidetrack: We have every class with V1 except Spanish. I'm going to go crazy. Especially in theatre. But that's a whole other story.

Biology seems like it will be good. The teacher is doing his first year of IB, unlike the other teachers who all got to teach the class above ours, which was the first at our school. He seems like a fun teacher, but I'm not sure how good he will be. We'll see. However, I will say that the highlight of my day was when V1 and his friend were late, and the teacher left them locked in the hallway for ten minutes. It was the best part of my day.

I also found out I have lunch with a lot of my friends, including F4, which is good.

But then we had theatre. That stupid class always ruins my life!

We have two periods of theatre due to the amount of work we have to do on different things for the theatre. So for the last two periods of each day, I have to try to survive all of it. And it terrifies me.

I honestly can't say what it is about that class that is so bad, but it absolutely destroys me. There are a lot of factors:

- The class is full of seniors

-Said seniors have so many inside jokes, and they're all so confident in their abilities. They all know what part they want in the play, and they'll probably get it.

-All of them have a clique, and they are so stuck in their ways. Plus, they all hang out outside of school, and I don't even want to think about trying to force myself to join in. The first party is at the end of August, and just the thought makes me want to cry.

-We have monologue performances due at the beginning of September, and we have to be critiqued by the entire class. Do you have any clue how scary it is to have perform in front of people with so much more experience? I'm so completely petrified of this that I fell like I'm about to vomit. It's bad enough for all of the other juniors, but for me, it's pure torture. 

I'm scared to death, and I'm starting to question if I can actually handle any of this. What have I gotten myself into?

I can't help but tell myself that I'm crazy for attempting any of this. This whole thing is going to be so much work, and I don't know If I can keep up. I'm absolutely overwhelmed.

So here I am, crying again. I just looked back at my first day post from last school year, and I realized that I cried then, too. I didn't remember that at all until I read it. I think first days just freak me out.

Anyway, I just need some time. I'm starting to feel the bad mood creep back up, like I knew it would when summer ended. I just wish I knew how to deal with us. I'm on the verge of giving up already, and it's just started. I feel like I can't handle this, and maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.

Do you remember what I said last time about how our mom said she didn't have the money to pay for therapy? Well, she said that if I decided I really need it that she would find the money somewhere. AS much as it hurts me to worry her, and as bad as it feels to make her find the money, I might have to. Because after the day I've had, I'm not sure I can do this alone for two years. Just the thought of sitting in that theatre class feeling like this for the next two years makes my head hurt. I can't take the anxiety of that.

The feeling I get inside that classroom drives me crazy. It is the worst thing I've ever felt. One day it's just going to be too much. I wish I could describe it acurately, but I have no idea where to even start. 

I've just been a crying mess recently. I came home and sobbed after registration for school. It's pathetic. Although I sort of had a reason that time. We were planning on getting parking spots next to F4 and F6, but F6 went with her other friends instead, and it sent me down a bad path of thoughts. I was just worried that everything was going to change; we have gotten so close to F6, and if that changes, then it's just the first change of many. I feel  like losing my summer friends will just be the first step to losing everything I gained this summer, including the little bit of happiness and confidence I had found.

And now it's all starting to go. I think the worst thing is knowing that I have to live like this for the rest of my life, that I'll never know what it's like to not have to deal with this. It'll never completely go away. IT's a hopeless thought.

I'm terrified of these changes. I'm afraid I won't get through this year. I can't stand these feelings.

I'm really sorry for throwing my angst off on you all, but I need someone to talk to. I just needed to get all of this out.

 I will get myself sorted out, though. I know I'll be fine.

I'm off to do homework now. First of the year.

Thank you, for all of your support and help. Hopefully I'll have time to write again soon when I feel better.

Goodbye, my dear readers.

"Went to school and I was very nervous, no one knew me, no one knew me. Hello teacher, tell me, what's my lesson? Look right through me, look right through me."- Mad World, Gary Jules.