Harry Potter One Shots

The Unspoken

All rights belong to the author, Gant Black

I'm scared.

Bella's distinguished, but, already, slightly chilling laughter echoed through the dark attic.

"It's just a spider, for Merlin's sake, and you're six years old! Andy, Sirius is scared of a spider, can you believe that?"

"I'm not scared," Sirius tried to protest, though he hated spiders.

"Leave him alone, Bella," Andromeda said wearily.

Bella grinned but, as always, the smile never reached her eyes. She looked at Sirius, who backed away slightly at the way her dark eyes were flashing.

What was terrible was that he was more scared of his own cousin than he was of spiders.

"Listen to me, ickle little baby Sirius," Bella said. "The word fear isn't part of the Blacks' vocabulary. You must never say that you're scared. You shouldn't even be scared. Understand?"

"Bella!"

"Shut it, Andy. Understand?"

Bella's hand was almost crushing Sirius's arm now. He nodded.

Sirius Black never told anyone that he was scared. Not when he had first gone to school and he had been slightly afraid of not being sorted in Slytherin. Not when he had ran away from home and didn't know if he would be able to stay at James's. Not when he was afraid Remus might have to leave Hogwarts because he had told Snape about the Whomping Willow (even James had said he was scared). Not when they had joined the Order of the Phoenix. Not even after Harry's birth when he was terrified that something might happen to the tiny baby who already looked like his best friend. Not even when he had been taken to Azkaban and realized there were things worse than death.

Sirius wondered if that made him exceptionally strong, stupidly brave or just cold-hearted.

I'm sorry.

Sirius had always hated apologizing. Even when he was a child, he wouldn't say the words, even if this resulted in him not being allowed to eat dinner or being confined to his room for a whole day. Most of the time, it was because he was not sorry; then why say he was?

But even later, when he really was sorry, he still wouldn't apologize.

Not to Regulus when he had taken the blame for something Sirius had done and Sirius had never admitted he had done it. Sirius was ten and too selfish to tell him he was sorry Regulus had been punished instead of him. After that, mutual hatred stood in the way of his unspoken apologies anyway.

Not to Remus for telling Snape about the Whomping Willow, while he'd been stupid and selfish and he was supposed to tell Remus he was sorry. He never really said it, though he supposed, at the time, that Remus could see it in his eyes anyway, so what was the point?

Not even to James and Lily for the biggest mistake of his life, making Peter their Secret Keeper.

Actually, that was the first and only time he'd said he was sorry, but James and Lily never got to hear it.

Don't be like me.

Sirius almost said this to Harry. Several times, when Harry was in Grimmauld Place, he wanted to tell him not to be like him because being the rebel had not brought him happiness. When he showed Harry the Blacks' tapestry he wanted to tell him that family was the most important thing in the world, and it didn't matter whether or not you shared blood, because the Marauders and Lily had been his family, forget about Toujours Pur.

He wanted to tell him to cherish the people that made his life worth it and tell them he loved them, not to stupidly keep it to himself, to be brave but not foolish like Sirius had sometimes been, to find a girl and not be afraid of loving her and to never let her go.

He wanted to tell him to be like James.

I'm jealous of you.

A Black was never jealous.

Sirius Black was never jealous. Sirius Black had looks and brains and charm and a sense of humour at least the size of his ego; of what exactly could he be jealous?

Jealousy was a feeling he experienced for the first time in Grimmauld Place when he watched as Tonks and Remus fell in love with each other.

Envy polluted every fiber of his being during that long year. He was jealous of every other member of the Order because they were all out there living in the real world fighting against Death Eaters and all he could fight against were his old and new demons: grief and jealousy.

The worst was that Remus seemed either oblivious or unwilling of this perspective of romance. But there was no way Sirius was going to play some kind of matchmaker for the two of them. If it happened, it happened, but Sirius wouldn't do anything to encourage it. Because he wished it would happen to him, and as much as he cared for his old friend, he didn't think he could bear making it happen. One night after Tonks had left, after a dinner in which Sirius had felt like an intruder, Sirius wanted to shake Remus out of his passivity.

"Won't you fucking do something about it?" Sirius had wanted to shout. "You've got the chance and you're not even taking it! You know what? I'm jealous of you!"

He opened yet another bottle of Firewhiskey instead.

I love you.

Sirius had never said the three little words. He had been brought up not hearing anyone say them; not his parents, not his cousins, not his brother. The first time he had heard someone close to him saying them had been in his seventh year at Hogwarts. James had sighed contentedly, as Lily rested her head on his shoulder, both of them oblivious to the other people in the common room, and James had said, "I love you." Sirius had looked away, more embarrassed than he had ever been. He was so ashamed of hearing them that he couldn't even think of saying them.

And when, a few months before their death, Sirius had visited the Potters, and Lily had felt a strange foreboding and insisted in pulling James and Sirius and even little Harry in a group hug, and Lily had told Sirius very earnestly and sincerely, "We love you", Sirius had felt a pang at his heart but remained silent.

He hated having regrets.