Finally the final day of term has arrived. I have been waiting the whole of the school year for this. Summer. No more bullies, no pain and freedom... However, it means that today will be particularly horrendous because of Chloe and Mark and their gang.
I didn't go to school yesterday, I lay at the gates of the graveyard and cried. I cried because of my mum, I cried because of my dad, I cried because of Jam, and I cried because my heart is just something that gets picked up, thrown and broken. What I experienced as a child has traumatised me for the rest of my life. But why, why did it have to happen to me?
To: niallhoran@onedirection.com
From: alexiamay@gmail.com
RE: <no_subject>
Niall,
How are you, how are the boys, how is tour?
Am I just another charity case? Are you only replying to my emails because you feel bad for me? Should I just leave?
Sometimes I wonder why all of this happened to me. Why me? Why didn't this happen to somebody else, spare me all the hatred and pain? Seriously, I don't even know anymore. I'd like to think that I could keep up my optimistic facade, but its dropping and every day it gets harder to fake a smile. I don't how much longer I'm going to be able to take this.
Why Niall. Why?
With love forever,
Alexia May
***********
I sat in music trying to decide what I should do for my music assessment, there was no way I was singing (which is my passion), and I was reluctant to write a song, because my songs are very personal to me, but after much thought I decided to write a song that I could relate to, well not entirely.
"When flaws fall colours shine,
He asked me "Will you be mine?"
I said, "Why'd you want me,
If you could have anybody?"
And I say, "Look at me right baby,
I'm cold, alone and empty,
There's nothing here to love.
But hatred and death threats,
Long, empty nights on the internet,
I've been washed up and torn,
And laid out to dry,
And you're asking me, why?"
It focused on a girl, a girl who is broken and being asked out by a boy who doesn't know her well enough, because she hides her emotions well. I am the girl, but I'm my case there will be no boy and I will fade away...
I put my pencil down and stared into space, when my teacher interrupted my thoughts asking me what I was doing. I only replied by passing him the drafted song on a piece of paper.
He read it with a confused look on his face and kept looking at me as if he was trying to work something out. I studied the table closely determined not to make eye contact and make the situation anymore awkward. It was already awkward enough.
***********
To: niallhoran@onedirection.com
From: alexiamay@gmail.com
RE: Happy 4 Years!
Niall,
HAPPY FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSARY!! I can't believe it's been this long. I remember you walking on stage as an arrogant teenage and just thinking 'take your cock out of your attitude and put it in your pants'. Then Liam was back again, Harry's curls were the secret behind his popularity, Zayn's mum had dragged him out of bed and Louis sang like an angel that had fallen from the sky at birth.
I miss those days where it was all simple. I could speak my thoughts and nobody would give a f**k about what I said. I could talk and scream and life seemed so easy.
With love forever,
Alexia May
It's the 23rd July 2014. Wow. I can't believe it's been four years. It's crazy, huh, just thinking that not even that long ago I was with Jam watching the newest series of The X Factor and gossiping over who we thought had a chance. I haven't watched The X Factor since then. It was during that, when series I stopped speaking and no one noticed.
I remember the first day I stopped speaking. Jam understood, I wrote the reason down for him, but I kept my head down and tried to act normal - like I normal would. Only a few people noticed and Jam just covered for me saying my throat hurt. The teachers didn't notice, they are so unobservant and practically blind. It was during the first week when I first got told off for talking. TALKING. I was practically a mute. And I guess that's what I'm classified as: a selective mute.
***********
25th July 2014, 2:28am
To: niallhoran@onedirection.com
From: alexiamay@gmail.com
RE: Help
Niall,
I want to die.
I know I shouldn't and it's bad and all but to be honest I just can't see the point of living anymore.
As a small child, I always thought I would grow up in a happy family with my two parents and my best friend. Then when I was older I would get married and have children and live happily in a small thatch cottage in a village in England. I was so naïve. Here I am nearly 10 years later, orphaned, without a boyfriend or a bet friend and contemplating suicide. I never thought life we be so bad to the point I just wanted it to end. I wanted to be in charge or my life for once and just end it all.
I'm sorry for thinking like this and dragging you into my negative thoughts.
With love forever,
Alexia May xx
25th July 2014, 3:16am
To: niallhoran@onedirection.com
From: alexiamay@gmail.com
RE: Say something.
Niall,
Say something I'm giving up on me.
Please. Niall, I want someone to save me, I want help and please save me from myself.
89 William Morley Close
London
England
E6 1QZ
United Kingdom
With love forever,
Alexia May xx
(A/N The address is a real address but it is not where I live, it's just a location for where Alexia lives. Its important in the next few chapter. WARNING: The next chapters may be upsetting or triggering.)
YOU ARE READING
Emails To No One
FanfictionShe was alone. When there was no-one else she wrote her thoughts and emotions to him. Because he would never read them, and that's what she wanted. But she never expected a reply. Alexia May is a twelve year old girl who has never really known a...
