Caffeine [July Nanowrimo]

five; courage

It's been two days since the playground incident and I've had mixed feelings about the whole thing ever since. It was like an unspoken rule that we never say his name out loud.

I tapped my pen on the wooden table, my revision books completely forgotten. It was a hard job maintaining my grades, although many seem to think otherwise. Why, I would never know.

But I digress. It seemed that lately, I have been getting more agitated by the day with Derrick's attitude.

He knew better than to say his name in front of me. He knew how much I have hated the sound of that word. It brought way too much memories and I can't seem to do anything to tame these thoughts. They were getting repetitive and as every day passes by, I was slowly losing myself to myself.

They say that the monsters you face are in your head, but they didn't know that these become a part of you. These monsters, they infiltrate you mind, planting a seed of doubt. Then it slowly grows as you water it with the poisoned thoughts. They infuse within your soul and suddenly, you realize that you have become your biggest nightmare.

How do you defeat something that could never be fought?

How do you claim victory over something that has completely taken control?

How do you defeat you?

These thoughts once popped in my head, making it hurt just as much as my heart. It hurts to think that I was a coward in all sense. I couldn't fight Derrick, I couldn't fight Jake and I couldn't fight myself.

Tears pooled in my eyes but I forced myself to keep them in. How many times am I going to cry and then swear to myself I will change, only to fall into that trap once again? When will I stop plunging myself into the vicious cycle that entraps me?

For so long, I'm trying so hard to fight myself and now, I'm just slowly turning into a shell of my dimming soul.

The vibration on my lap snapped me out of my thoughts and I glanced to look at my phone. A small smile slipped onto my face when I saw that it was Derrick, sending me a good morning message even though it was edging more towards afternoon. I had pointed it out to him once, but he merely shrugged it off and said that eleven fifty is considered morning.

Well, technically it is.

I texted out a quick reply back, wishing him a good 'morfternoon'. It was a word I created in order to annoy him and it succeeded its purpose.

Over the course of the two days, I have pondered about the revelation I had during the swinging competition at the park and I decided that I was okay with it. It's not like we were going to be a couple -as much as I want to- and not everyone can be like Jamie Sullivan.

All I hope is that I would be able to find the courage to stand up to Derrick and to myself.

And maybe, just maybe, I could stand up to him.

I refocused my attention back my attention back to work, hoping to distract my thoughts from all this negativity. It was hard, because everything I do, everything I see and everything say has been tainted and graced with him.

It was hard to forget all you have ever known.

But I digress. I busied myself with the questions in front of me than those in my head. Most teenagers tend to hate or dislike math, due to the nature of its questions; solving problems. For me, though, it was my favorite, because those questions have a formula, a system if you may to solve them. There is always an answer.

"Rayla? Rayla!" The pencil fell from my hands as I turned in around in surprise. Slipping my foot into my bunny slippers and tugged my blanket closer to me as I shuffled down the hall. Peeking my head through the banister of the stairway, mother gave me a annoyed glare from beneath.