The first step

Have you ever felt so worthless, so meaningless? I feel like that a lot. Like my own existence is a waste of time, and everybody else's time. Like you could do nothing to make you feel better? Even listening to your favourite song won't work, and when that doesn't work, you know something's wrong.

There's a theory that everything that comes together falls apart, so why even bother trying? Because that happy person that lives down the street, probably deserves to be happy. Not me. I deserve nothing. I'm a worthless person and I know it. Like I'm just a tiny spec on the canvas that is earth itself. I just want to jump. Ever since I was little I've been obsessed with the feeling of falling, so maybe it's destiny. Maybe after I'm dead they will talk about that, or maybe they won't talk after I die. Who is going to care? Who's going to know? Certainly not my father. Maybe Kester and Daysie. Maybe it will be a weight lifted off their shoulders.

I'm just sick of the whole wide world. Pretty sure the world is sick of me as well. I feel like such a loser. The people I went to school with are probably having kids and falling in love and being happy. Happiness is a foreign word to me. I can't remember the last time I was happy. I've become quite good at covering that up. If you met me, you'd never know that I want to jump.

I've learned to deflect things. Deflect that rude stare, deflect that snarky comment from dad. Deflecting the world is hard. Hard enough to make you want to jump. Oh and friends. Friends will either die on you, or gradually stop hanging out with you and stop texting you. I know because that's all my friends have ever done. One day, you're hanging out having fun, then they make up excuses of why they can't hangout and just stop being your friend. Even your very best friends. So don't trust anybody.

I'm so done with the world. So sick of things not going my way. Like the universe wants me to suffer. I hate living but I feel like if I did jump, and I failed-again- I wouldn't know what to do. Like what would I tell Kester or Daysie. It's pointless though. Worrying is pointless. Just as pointless as my life is.

If you have a triangle and one of the tips is pointless, it's not really a triangle is it?

Feeling worthless is a bad feeling. Very bad feeling, and it's even worse when you have nobody to talk to. Mostly because they're dead or worry too much about you (Kester). I mean I could never tell Kester all this, even though I'm supposed to. He would send me back to rehab. I can't go back there. Not when they treat me like a child.

I don't want anybody to ever feel this way, not even my worst enemy. I feel this way a whole awful lot. When you just feel so destroyed. And believe me, after a while, you will self destruct.

...............................................................

The walk to the shops isn't all that long, and I brought Toby. I tied him to a post and went inside. I grabbed a cart and grabbed the essentials. It was my turn at the checkout and the cashier looked very familiar. Super pale skin with brown eyes and brown hair. He was nothing special but he was cute.

"Hey! you work at the pizza store around the corner don't you?" the unnamed cashier said smiling a big smile with perfectly straight teeth and deep dimples.

"Yeah. Yeah I do." I said smiling a bit. Why was he so happy to see me?

"Do you recognize me?" he said hopefully.

I honestly did recognize him. He comes in and buys a small pizza every Friday, like he's buying it for himself only. "Yeah, you usually come in on Fridays. I always work on Fridays."

He blushed a little.

"Yeah I know."

He said, his cheeks turning an even darker shade of pink.

"How do you know that?" I asked a little worried about how this stranger knows my schedule.

His face was full on red now.

"I asked Gillian."

Gillian is one of my coworkers. He is pretty nice actually. Cute too.

"Why would you ask Gill that?"

I didn't know it was possible that his face could get more red, but it did.

"I...wanted to see..you."

Is it bad that I think this is more cute than creepy?

"Oh." Dammit. Why would I say that? only thing I could say I guess.

"Hurry up!" said an old lady behind me.

"Sorry!" I said placing every one of my things on the counter.

"Can we talk? my shift ends in 10, I can meet you outside?"

"Sure." I said smiling a bit.

"That'll be 51.03"

Shit. "I only have a fifty..."

"That's okay! ill cover it!"

I could feel my cheeks reddening.

"I'm so sorry! ill pay you back!"

"No need its a dollar!"

"And 3 cents." I said smirking.

"And 3 cents." he said dimples popping.

I took my bags.

"Ill see you in ten?"

"9 and a half."

I smiled then left.

A/N this isn't a cliché book so don't except cliché stuff. By the way Gillian is pronounced like Gill (a fish gill) and ilian like normal. I don't know about you but I've always wondered about the full name of a person named Gill, so I made it up. GILL IS A BOY!! And just because Alise is stuck in a stupid depression doesn't mean she can't think guys are cute!!!i also hope you're enjoying!